Are You Listening or Just Giving Advice?
By Sarah Kozak
Did you know that, on average, women use a total of 20,000 words per day as opposed to the 7,000 uttered by men? In her book, The Female Brain, psychiatrist Louann Brizendine writes, “In the brain centers for language and hearing...women have 11 percent more neurons than men.”
This statistic isn’t all that surprising considering how my friends and I can talk one another’s ears off on any given day. Women have been given the incredible gift of brains that are hardwired for communication. While our boyfriend might get together with the guys to play sports or fix a car, we’re far more likely to sit down on the couch, coffee mugs in hand, and dive into the classic heart-to-heart, “How are you doing?” conversation. We thrive off of these encounters... but what happens if we begin to use them to validate our worth?
I’m sure that I’m not alone in this. I’ll be sitting there while someone pours out their heart to me, but rather than focusing on listening in order to truly understand what they are experiencing, my mind is already racing ahead and debating the best way to respond. “What are the words I can say to make sense of this situation for her?”
How often we crave for those we love to respond to our insights with, “Wow. Thank you, I really needed to hear that right now.” It’s very easy to fall into believing that the criteria for us being a good friend, girlfriend, or wife is in our ability to respond with the perfect words that a person needs to hear in order to help them make sense of a cross they are carrying.
Words are powerful. They bring life, show our love, and have the power of expressing that which is otherwise invisible. Exhibit A: “I love you.” Even now, as I’m sitting here writing this article, I’m itching to find that one line or phrase that will resonate with you as you’re reading this. It’s not a bad thing to want to create something beautiful or to speak in a way that will heal and bring comfort to another person. As women in particular, that is part of our nature - we were created to nurture and bring life into the world. The pit I can fall into, though, is when I begin to believe that it is my words that give life. My gifts that bring healing. My wisdom that brings clarity to a difficult situation.
The reality of it is that you and I are merely God’s instruments. If something that I say and write brings another person comfort or clarity, that is the Holy Spirit speaking through me. He is the best author. When I step aside and allow Him to dictate my words, I no longer have to anxiously wonder, “What do I say?” It gives me the freedom to truly listen, knowing that the act of listening itself is the greatest gift I can give to the person in front of me. I’ve noticed that in the moments I do this, when I put myself aside and trust that God will give me the words if He wants me to respond, that those are the times when I can most clearly feel the Holy Spirit speaking through me.
A very literal definition of the word “listen” is “to pay attention to”. Fully. Completely. No distractions. Is this the mentality I have when someone gives me the privilege of listening to their heart? Or am I more concerned with upholding my image of “the friend who always has the best advice?”
In his Gospel, St. John refers to his beloved Master as “the Word” who became flesh and dwelt among us. This definition of God being the Word from one of the apostles who knew Him best is so powerful. I imagine there were countless times that St. John was talking to Jesus about a situation he was experiencing and had the privilege of audibly hearing God give His advice in return. He knew that it was only Jesus who could give the words that not only calmed fierce storms at sea but, even more so, the storms the rage within each of our hearts.
Rather than feeling the need to have a mic-dropping statement during your next coffee date with a friend, try to focus solely on listening to their heart without thinking ahead to a response. We forget too easily that sometimes the greatest gift you can give someone is the gift of being there, listening to them, and showing them love. If the Holy Spirit gives you an earth-shattering revelation, so be it! If not, that’s okay too. There’s a reason that when Mary of Bethany sat at Jesus’s feet and listened, she chose the better part. We should humbly take our place sitting next to her, with our hearts attuned to His voice. For, if we do, He tells us that when we respond with love to the friend we have been listening to, “It will not be you who speaks, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you” (Matthew 10:20).
