Building Me a Home: How Christ Wants to Love Me with a Spousal Love
By Elizabeth Russell,
The broader culture wants us to believe that the path to fulfillment, for women, consists in helping to provide for our family’s financial needs. There is a narrative that if the woman isn’t bringing in income, then she’ll never feel truly fulfilled, or have achieved her real purpose. This lie is not so much about whether or not the woman works, but about whether or not she brings in income. What the culture doesn’t tell us is that there are other fulfilling paths for women, which may have nothing to do with income or providing monetarily for our families. While some of us will be called to work outside the home, others of us will be called to work part-time or totally at home. Though the culture glorifies the woman of the world, what it often misses in this glorification is the gift that is the work of the stay-at-home mother.
Recently, I was talking with a woman I highly admire, and she said something I have heard from so many women before her. When speaking of marrying her husband, she said, “He never wanted me to work. He wanted me to be able to have the ability to stay home with the kids, and he made that a possibility.”
Though I’ve heard it from many women, I guess my heart wasn’t in the right place at the time for it to actually hit home. You see, throughout my life, I have grown more and more afraid of women like this. Instead of seeing the gifts and joy that they bring to their husband and children, it’s been easier to think, “She’s not a hard worker. She never earned this. She is hiding away in the home.”
My fears stemmed from the belief that I needed to earn the right to have a house, stay with the children, and work from home. I struggled with the idea of letting a man provide for all my needs. I believed in being a stay-at-home mom for the sake of the children, but failed to see how it could also be for the sake of myself, and for my husband.
As I’ve more recently reflected on this mother’s words, I’ve come to understand that it is not a question of earning the right to stay home. She and her husband did not see it as a right, but as a gift.
After speaking with this woman, I began to reflect on the woman of Proverbs 31. As one of my friends pointed out to me, the woman of Proverbs 31 is not idle. She is a homemaker. She plants vineyards, runs an industrious business, and raises many children. But here’s what really got me: she does it all from the structure of the home her husband has given her. The woman of Proverbs 31 enriches her husband’s house, a house which she, by her very presence, turns into a home.
Similarly, from the structure of the home, the woman who has taught me so much about the beauty of the stay-at-home life writes articles and books, hosts events and retreats, runs marriage ministries, cares for her children, drives them to events, and dedicates alone time to spend with her husband. She has found within the vocation of being a stay-at-home mom a way to mother not only her family, but many others.
Ladies, the culture has it backwards. The idea that a woman can be worthy, in spite of not bringing in income, has only recently begun to unfold in my heart. It has awakened a realization of the damaging way in which I have approached my work––as the primary indicator of my worth in society. I am now, through prayer, finding the way to redirect this approach.
As a single person, I am learning this lesson by growing in intimacy with Christ. I am learning that it is Christ’s desire to provide the structure within which I will thrive. I need to stop seeking to prove that I am worthy enough for Christ to provide for me. The question instead becomes “How does the Lord want to provide for me with spousal love, and how am I going to receive the gift of His providence?”
If you are struggling with the idea of your current or future husband providing for you, I understand, and I encourage you to bring this to Jesus. He seeks to meet all your needs, and to create a safe and loving space for you. Ask Him to enter, and to show you how to trust in His providence.
When we allow ourselves to receive first, we stop trying to prove our worth, but instead find deep fulfillment, direction, and peace.
