Closing the Door on Relationships: How to Know When it’s Time to Say Goodbye
By Rebecca Corgan,
While we may begin our relationships (romantic or platonic) with rose-tinted visions of the future dancing through our heads, not every connection is built to last—or is good for those involved. Not every friendship is meant to last forever—and that’s okay.
There’s a lot of wisdom to knowing when a relationship has run its course. From relationships that cause a drain on our days to connections that were a better fit for different chapters of our lives, it’s important to know that it’s okay to say goodbye. Not every relationship is meant to be a lifelong one—and that’s healthy and normal. Shutting the door on relationships that no longer serve you can allow you the time, energy, and headspace to do what matters presently or give you the freedom to explore new connections.
We’ve all crossed bridges, arrived at the other side, and looked back and wondered what if? This is also normal and healthy behavior. However, having the self-awareness and clarity to differentiate constructive relationships from draining ones, knowing how to cross bridges without necessarily burning them, and being able to be at peace with our decisions once they’re done—that’s an art.
Here are a few things to keep in mind if you’re discerning whether or not it’s time to reconsider one of your current connections.
Identifying Relationships That Have Run Their Course
When you’re in a relationship that isn’t great for you, it can be hard to realize your goals or attend to your mental health. This is especially the case with toxic relationships that can be harmful to your overall well being, but connections that have simply run their course can also take up time and energy that may be better spent elsewhere.
This can be difficult to realize; after all, humans are built for connection. Because of our desire for relationships, we place a premium on our communities, tend to be nostalgic or wistful about the good in relationships, and can be unwilling to face the finality of saying goodbye. As a result, we tend to cherish even those relationships that ultimately aren’t that conducive for our happiness.
If your relationship exhibits any of these telling indicators, it might be time to take a step back to evaluate:
Loss of Interest:
Your friend isn’t excited when you report a fun or interesting life change to them—or, conversely, your friend gives you an update and your first instinct is indifference.
You don’t really miss your friend if it’s been a minute since you’ve seen each other.
You don’t really think about your friend when they’re not around. (Many relationships carry with them intuitive mental triggers—inside jokes, songs you both like, or places you’ve been. If none of these are naturally happening, that might be worth noting.)
You’ve Both Changed:
You find yourself having to act in a specific way while you’re around your friend.
You start to dread the time that you’re going to spend together or see it as a drag on your time.
You and your friend have both changed a lot since you initially became close––you just don’t have a lot in common anymore and neither of you have the desire to support your updated connection.
It’s a One-Sided or Draining Experience:
Your relationship either becomes a lot of work or you realize that you’re putting in a lot more (or less) time and effort than is perhaps healthy.
Your friendship is taking up too much head space.
Your relationship has actually become unhelpful or even unhealthy, to the point that you’re having a hard time meeting new people because of this relationship.
You realize that your friendship is more of a rivalry or a source of unhealthy comparisons.
Ultimately, it’s a nuanced decision. The presence of any of these symptoms of a possibly unhelpful relationship may not mean that it’s time to say goodbye. You may just be going through a difficult stage of your relationship––one caused by anything from personal growth to life changes––and you simply need the patience to work through it. However, having a few benchmarks to help you evaluate your relationships and create healthy boundaries around your alone time, your headspace, and your heart can help immensely. Taking the time to journal about your feelings might be key here, as thinking about a relationship in this hard, objective light may trigger a lot of difficult emotions.
Closing a Connection with Grace
If you’ve realized that it’s time to say goodbye to someone, give yourself (and the other person) the gift of empathy. It’ll be tough, but you’ll thank yourself later!
First, let’s talk about what not to do. Avoid icing someone out, ending a relationship over text, or initiating a confrontation with a ‘you’ statement. (“You’ve changed, and I don’t like it!”) While these passive-aggressive (or simply aggressive) options may feel good, or at least easy, they’re easy recipes for bridges burnt with bad feelings, confusion, and regret all around.
Here are a couple of alternatives to consider:
Gradually fading out of your relationship. This is delicate—and it’s also not ‘ghosting’ the other person or immediately cutting off contact. Rather, this is an option where you simply reduce the number of times you initiate conversations, keep your calls or texts short, and try to avoid giving the other person openings for further contact. This can be a good option if you’re trying to get out of a relationship quickly while avoiding a messy confrontation. Instead, you’re simply accelerating the natural unweaving of a relationship by putting in less effort over time. Create physical distance; reduce your availability.
Having an honest (or vaguely-honest) conversation. This difficult option requires maturity, confidence, and courage, but it will resolve your relationship with the least amount of confusion possible. If you need to end a relationship, sitting down and gently telling the other person precisely why can avoid a lot of angst-ridden nights in the future, for both of you.
Whether you say outright that it’s time for the relationship to end or that you just need to take a break for mental health, keep the conversation short. Try to meet on neutral ground, so you can leave; and, as tempting as it can be to put the conversation off, don’t do it at the end of a long day together—do it up front. This is a good option if you sense that you’re going to need some closure, or you think you can have a conversation without confrontation. (Also, if the relationship you’re ending is a serious or romantic one, odds are you’re going to have to have a conversation about it.)
Regardless of the specific route you take, regardless of how hurt or tired you may feel with respect to your relationship, try to come at it from an empathetic angle. The other person is going to feel hurt and sad, at least to some degree. Try to make this hard transitional process easier by avoiding antagonistic statements, providing gentle rationale, and giving them the space to recuperate in peace.
Remembering the Good in Old Relationships
If you’re anything like me, you might occasionally wake up in the middle of the night berating yourself for a stupid thing you said in a past relationship or angsting over the less-than-graceful way you said goodbye to someone in your past. This is a natural shame response; however, it’s not constructive or helpful to you or anyone to be hard on yourself for something in your past. Reframing your memories to focus on the good they produced––instead of any awkwardness that may have happened––is a muscle that needs exercising. Remember that it may not come naturally, and it will almost certainly take time. If you do find yourself dwelling on painful encounters, try to stop before you spiral. Focus on the good instead––remind yourself of a good day the two of you shared, then move on and think of something else. Over time, you’ll train your brain to remember the good times instead of the bad.
If all else fails, try a simple trick that has helped me: When I find myself cringing over something insensitive I’ve done in the past or regretting the way I’ve treated someone a long time ago, I offer up that angst and I send up a quick prayer that that person has a great day, wherever they are. Then, I try to distract myself as quickly as possible so I don’t fall into a shame spiral about something that’s long past.
At the end of the day, humans are built for connection and community, but we also need to build healthy boundaries around the number and type of relationships we can sustain. Closing the door on relationships can hurt, but it can also be a good move for everyone involved. Learning how to navigate tough seasons with empathy and look back on them with grace will be a well-worth-it skill that will make your life easier in the long run.
