Constant One

By Sarah Kozak

I sat in the chapel last night. I had been so caught up in life recently that it had been awhile since I went there. It had been one of those days...a day when I just didn’t feel quite okay. And so, I found myself sitting there, with a blank journal page on my lap, not exactly sure how to be honest with Him about where my heart was at.

Being in your twenties is an interesting time of life: full of adventures, but at the same time, full of change. And sometimes the change happens so quickly and unexpectedly that you have to pause for a minute and let yourself process the fact that: “Okay. So this is where things are right now.”

There are so many decisions: where you’ll live, what job you’ll take, who you’ll marry...Every other day it seems like another friend gets engaged and someone else is moving to a new place. Most of these changes are beautiful, wonderful, and exciting! But at the same time life can begin to feel like a revolving door, and sometimes it feels hard to keep up. There are times when you feel like a deer in the headlights, not quite knowing where exactly it is that you’re supposed to put your roots down. There just aren’t many constants during this time of life as people move and grow and change.

I guess that was the thought that kept running through my head last night as I sat in that little chapel. The feeling of, “I’m not quite sure where home is for me anymore.” Having moved out of my parents house for good, and college years being in the rearview mirror leaving no ring adorning my left hand, I had come to the realization that as far as I could tell, the next few years of my life would be shaped by alternating roommates and leases, dependent on which friend would be getting married next.

There are so many people right now who tell me, “Enjoy it while it lasts! Because someday, you’re going to miss having this time to yourself.”

But on this particular night, being free felt an awful lot like being alone. I guess I was craving constancy. With relationship statuses and living situations seeming to change on the daily, my little, old-fashioned heart was longing for a little house of my own.

One filled with decorations sponsored by Hobby Lobby and Home Goods, a cozy fireplace, and a dashing husband who will come and wrap his arms around my waist as I put the finishing touches on whatever gluten-free concoction I am endeavoring to bake. A place where, no matter what is changing in my life, or what is happening in the world, I can come back to and know, “This is home and we’re going to be here together in this place for awhile.”

It’s a universal longing, the desire to feel that sense of home. A person or thing in your life that will always be there. Stable, constant, and steady. And during the season of life affectionately known as “post-grad,” that feeling can oftentimes be hard to come by.

Right before I moved away from home for this new job, I remember kneeling in front of a huge image of Divine Mercy at the parish where I grew up. It seemed like a fitting place to hand over the reins of my life to Him again, and I told Him how I was afraid of leaving my family and the few constants that still remained in my life. And then so gently I heard Jesus whisper a line to me that He stole from a song that goes...“Home is wherever I’m with you.”

That whisper came back to me again last night. Sitting there in that back pew, I heard Him say it over and over. And as He broke down the wall of my heart brick-by-brick, I let myself be loved by Him once again and began to feel not quite so alone.

It reminded me of the story in the Scripture of the man who built his house on rock as opposed to sand. It’s a decision that each of us are called to make, no matter where we are at in life: What, or rather, Who will my foundation be? Will I choose to put all of my faith and trust in the world and what I can gain from it? Will I base my happiness off of my relationship status or what my living situation is?

How beautiful it is that we are each given the opportunity to build our life on a love that we will never lose! We just have to make that choice.

So as the Chapel visit came to an end, and the frustration and tumult of my heart were calmed with His patient words, I found myself repeating the whisper back to Him- “Home is wherever I’m with You.” And in these words, I find His overwhelming peace and realize that no matter where life takes me, He will forever be my constant.