Discerning Marriage as an Ecumenical Couple
By Madison Chastain,
This summer, I planned a conference during which there was a vocations panel. The priest on the panel suggested that my fiance and I give a talk on engagement, despite already having a married couple of 20 years speaking. Engagement and marriage are different, but the vocation is the same, so why give the talk?
Well my fiance, Guy, is not Catholic. As such, the process of discerning marriage might appear different than a pair of two practicing Catholics. But it’s nothing to be afraid of, and it’s why I felt called to adapt the talk for The Young Catholic Woman. There are some awful stories spread in Christian spaces about why dating different kinds of Christians––or someone non-Christian altogether––doesn’t work. By dispelling some of these rumors, we can draw closer to the Holy Spirit who works in all people’s lives, open ourselves up to the possibility of greater growth in faith for both parties, and respect the unique timing of God’s grace.
Guy is what I call “Christian LaCroix”: He grew up in a nondenominational Christian home, with parents who jumped between different sects and received sacraments all over the place, but who only vaguely introduced Guy to church and prayer. While he was baptized a Christian, Guy largely considered himself an Atheist in high school and then an Agnostic in college. Nowadays, he’s more Christian Deist.
I was born and raised Catholic, a Catholic daughter of a Catholic daughter of a Catholic daughter. My dad was himself raised “Christian LaCroix,” but he and my mom were married in the Church, so I grew up knowing that parents didn’t have to share the same faith in order to raise their family in and consistent with the Catholic faith.
This is not always true for those raised in or practicing non-Christian faiths: Hinduism, Buddhism, Islam, Judaism, Atheism, etc. For one thing, there are very real differences of beliefs in those traditions that may make sharing one’s Catholic faith very challenging and reduce a couple’s long-term compatibility. The Church would call this type of couple “interfaith,” and restricts sacramental marriages for them, out of concern for the loss of the Catholic practice and that children born of this marriage would not be raised in the faith.
Relationships like Guy’s and mine are considered an example of “disparity of cult.” Sounds serious and weird––which is why I prefer the term “ecumenical”––but it essentially means that a Catholic and a non-Catholic Christian share the essential bones of Christianity but may practice differently, with differences in some key beliefs. These marriages can be considered sacramental, with dispensation. Guy and I will have a sacramental wedding in the Catholic Church, like my parents.
Know The Faith
This is why it’s so important to know the faith. Study the catechism, read encyclicals, take a Scripture or theology class. And if you can, study other religions too! In order to understand what sorts of beliefs are incompatible, we have to first know what different beliefs are. What’s more, if we are secure in our faith we are able to be the best example possible to our non-Catholic loved ones, while also remaining grounded in who we are.
There is the fear that a non-Catholic partner will always and everywhere try to convert a Catholic away from the faith or their morals, particularly about chastity. This is ultimately the same problem as “flirting to convert,” just reversed: Dating someone with the expectation that they should change their beliefs before marriage.
Whether in the Catholic direction or away from it, it’s manipulative and wrong to expect a person’s participation in a practice they are not consciously or fully choosing. God’s love for us is exemplified in His giving us free will. Any person that desires to intentionally conform, trick, or lead their partner away from what they say is important to them is sinning. The Church places an emphasis on the formation of one’s conscience. A conscience cannot be fully formed through coercion. You know what does form consciences? A well-reasoned intellect and a compassionate example.
Guy and I were close friends for three years before we started dating. We knew each other’s beliefs, we recognized our shared values, and we fell in love precisely because we could share intellectually, rather than accusatorially, about our differences. Theological study made dating easier! And we met attending a Catholic college, so the faith was present. He has always found Catholicism fascinating, and he’s never shied away from bringing our theological and scientific education into conversation.
For Guy, it’s the pieces of supernatural revelation––the things outside the created order––that still present him difficulty. But the Church holds space for doubt. Catholics themselves are expected to dwell in both understanding and mystery. We are not going to always understand our faith. It is important to be with a partner who would never exploit our areas of uncertainty, but rather, encourages us to pursue greater understanding. You should never be with someone who is content with your confusion.
What’s drawn Guy more closely into Christian Deism and away from Agnosticism is that Catholicism is extremely reasonable! Natural law shows us that science and faith are not in tension. Science reveals to us things about the created world. God’s existence is consistent with Guy’s worldview. What’s more, Catholic sexual ethics are consistent with science as well! Our discussion about waiting until marriage was easy: “Sex is the one thing that naturally makes a baby. If we’re not ready to have a baby, we shouldn’t do the thing that makes one.”
I still, to this day, receive horrible comments from Catholic women concerned about my purity. “You must have to lock your door at night to keep him out!” and “You must not really be attracted to each other if he has that much ‘self-control.’ Are you sure you should get married?” are the most recent. But let me make this abundantly clear:
Your purity is no one’s concern but yours, your partner’s and God’s
You don’t need to account for your boundaries or lack thereof to anyone but the aforementioned
“Self-control” and “Catholic” are not synonyms
Differentiate Belief from Behavior
This is why it’s so important to ask ourselves: Is it a religious issue? Or is it a respect issue? I write and speak often about interreligious dating and how the horror stories about non-Catholics typically center on behavioral concerns, not differences of belief.
Let’s say you’re dating someone. It’s your birthday, and you tell your partner you want to go to your favorite Italian restaurant. They’re reluctant to go because they don’t like Italian food. Despite it being your favorite place––and your birthday!––the meal ends and your partner is up in arms. “That meal sucked! The food tasted disgusting. The ambiance was terrible. Our server was incompetent. I don’t understand why you like it so much. I can’t believe you made me come here…” and on and on.
Certainly, you could come away from this situation thinking, “That’s it, I can’t date people who dislike Italian food anymore.” But...doesn’t that seem kind of silly?
See, the problem in this scenario is not that you have differences in taste. The problem is this person clearly doesn’t respect you. They are willing to overlook the importance of the day to make you feel bad. They are willing to shame you for the things you like or that are important to you. And they center themselves in the midst of it all. This is a respect problem, not a difference of opinion problem. Somebody else, someone more respectful, would have relished the joy brought to you on an important day, even if they didn’t like Italian food.
You can say something similar about faith: Say you tell your partner it’s important to you that they go with you to Mass. They’re reluctant to go, and then afterwards they’re ragging on Catholics or Mass the whole time. “I don’t understand how you believe that stuff. I didn’t get any of it. Why are you Catholic? How could you possibly think any of that is real? I’m NEVER becoming Catholic…” This isn't actually a difference of religion problem. This is a respect problem. For every person out there who behaves this way, there’s another out there who is going to be endlessly fascinated, respectful, and excited to go to Mass with you.
Similarly, we can ask: Is this a Catholic trait? Or is this a virtuous trait? Surely, many of these things overlap in a person authentically striving for holiness. But just because a person is Catholic doesn’t mean they’re respectful, ethical, funny, compatible with you, or that they even practice Catholicism the same way! Just as “likes The Office” isn’t a personality trait, neither is “Catholic.”
Additionally, it’s important to ask the question: Do you dislike marriage? Or do you dislike the behaviors that characterize the marriages you’ve been exposed to in your life? There’s some truth to the idea that non-Catholics may not be raised with a sacramental understanding of marriage, and so they might not feel the same responsibility to a permanent vocation. But disillusionment about marriage is not a uniquely non-Catholic trait. The challenges that plague marriages are equal-opportunity: Catholics experience divorce, cheating, intimacy and fertility struggles, financial strain, familial estrangement, and more. Both Catholics and non-Catholics can benefit from seeing a licensed therapist to process the challenges posed by their own discernment of marriage. For Guy, that means dissecting how mental illness changed his father in his marriage and parenting, and unpacking how we can navigate mental illness in our relationship differently. For me, it’s meant examining how harmful Church narratives and familial expectations ingrained in me a vision of “wifely duties” that left no room for my own goals and personality. The moral of the story? You don’t have to have the marriage that celebrities, saints, or your parents have––only the one you’re both called to have.
Communication and Leadership
When we talk about being “equally yoked” we often think about the spiritual and emotional burden of religious initiative. Who is the one making sure the family gets to Mass? Who leads the family in prayer? Who sets the tithing budget? The concern is that a non-Catholic partner will expect that the Catholic partner does it all. And there is some truth to this concern: a non-Catholic partner may not be able to intuit what practices are important to you. But your partner shouldn’t have to anticipate your needs, of any kind! In fact, sometimes the assertions that we must date and marry a Catholic are in fact hiding insecurities around knowledge of or comfort with the faith: we are the ones expecting our partner to carry us. Learning the faith and communicating our doubts honestly is far better than seeking a Catholic partner out of fear or convenience. At some point, we all must learn to communicate our needs and beliefs, without the expectation that our partner will read our mind, and without succumbing to just going along with whatever our partner desires.
We have a long way to go until Guy and I are married: 16 months to the day, as I type this. And then, if we’re lucky, we’ll have a long way to walk together, learning about what an ecumenical marriage is really like to live out. “Leading one’s spouse to Heaven” can seem contingent upon shared faith. But that isn’t true: the imagistic language of being led to Heaven is a metaphor for becoming better persons, knowing the faith, and living it. Guy and I share this commitment and the values that enliven it. He is charitable, patient, concerned for the poor and oppressed, conscientious of our common Earthly home, deeply reverent of the Eucharist, and committed to learning. Guy leads me closer to Heaven every single day, even if that isn’t the language he would use.
