Discerning needs, shoulds, and wants

Let me tell you: your first few months of marriage is going to challenge your traditional line of thought. You begin to really see the world how, well, how you see it! Our family of origin impacts the way we approach a lot of big and small decisions, such as how to handle our money, who we marry, and what “clean” looks like.

Peter has helped me so much in recognizing how I see 90% of things as a need or should, when really it doesn’t have to be that way.

For example: I’m sitting here on a Saturday early afternoon, starting to feel cramps coming on. I’m already feeling depleted (probably wasn’t smart to go for a three mile run in ninety degree weather), and we have a family pool party in a few hours. I keep thinking, “I need to go to the grocery store and make a nice, festive dessert. I should spend an hour to bake something and not buy some store bought pie.”

And thanks be to my husband, I pause and now question, “Really? Do I really need to do that?” And the answer is: no. But I put this added pressure on myself to think so.

Another common example: We were getting ready for a party a few months ago and before people arrived, there was a bunch of things on my To Do list, all of which I knew was not essential but it all still felt necessary: sweep the hundreds of mini pinecones off the driveway, clean the baseboards, add mulch around our patio, etc. Again, Peter helped me reflect: do I really need to do that? Or is it something I want to do?

At first my reaction is sometimes irritation: yes, we need to clean the counters and sweep before friends come over. But actually, we don’t. And that’s kind of a hard truth to swallow at times.

My point is, it’s worth discerning the small stuff that we do all the time in life. Making nutritious or non-nutritious dinners, how we fold our laundry, how we RSVP to invites, and so on. Ask yourself: do I really need to do this? Should I do this? Or do I simply want to do this? And once you discern that the bulk of things on our To Do list end up being things we just want to do, ask yourself: why do I want to do this? Why did I feel like it was something I needed to do? What if I actually don’t do it?

So as my body begins to ache with these cramps, I’m thinking: why did I feel the need to make a homemade dessert? Answer: well, because it’s always nicer to eat something you made, but if I’m honest, I also like coming across as the aunt/friend/daughter who takes the time to give something special, but right now, I need to slow down. And no one is going to bat an eye at the store bought pie I’m going to bring. My pride is slightly wounded that I can’t do it all, but my body is certainly going to thank me.

To end, here’s your little invitation to look at all of the hundreds of decisions you are making this week, and ask yourself: is this a need, a should, or just a want?

Hope this is helpful!

xo Carolyn