Embracing Your Cross
By Sarah Kozak
I’m told by the world today that my life is about me finding constant happiness and success. Pain is considered repulsive and so people are supposed to do everything in their power to avoid it. From drinking till you hit blackout, to binge-watching TV shows, there are a million escapes from the crosses that present themselves to us on a daily basis…and oh, how enticing these escapes can be!
It seems so much easier really. Rather than confronting my own suffering or being present to another person to help them through theirs, isn’t it easier for me to hide, to turn a blind eye, and pretend that I don’t care? In a world that condemns suffering and tells me to get rid of it, when I fail to understand the reason for a cross that God is asking me to carry, isn’t it easier just to get angry and tune Him out completely since I just can’t deal with “not understanding why?”
Because if God is all loving, how could He allow his creatures to undergo pain? The hard truth is that this is a question that you have to go directly to God to receive the answer. However, when we place ourselves in His presence, we have to first be willing to surrender to Him—to lay down our hurts and sufferings at His feet and tell him “Thy will be done”. But, we are terrified of abandonment because it feels far too vulnerable for our love-to-be in control selves.
Even though our hearts innately long for God, for the love and security of our creator, we instead hold onto the false security that it’s a better idea to strategize a way to cope with pain and be self-sufficient, trying to get rid of it on our own rather than trusting in His goodness. The danger, though, is that when I depend solely on my own strength to get through suffering, I become focused inward on myself and become blind to the fact that it is Love itself which has driven me to my knees.
There was a moment in college when I was praying at Mass and as I stared at the Crucifix above the altar, there was a Holy Spirit moment where He said, “This is what Love looks like.” Since that day, that line has always come back to me in the moments when I am tempted to ask “why.” When He showed me what Love truly looks like, I realized that the reason I have such a hard time understanding suffering is because I still do not fully understand the true essence of Love. So how do I begin to learn this? He already told us how when He said from His cross, “Behold your mother.”
Recently, I became very curious with the world “behold.” I had heard it in Scripture a million times before but never really given it much thought. I looked it up (being the good literary nerd that I am) and when I learned that it comes from the Old English word “bihaldan” which means “give regard to, hold in view,” it clicked: Mary was able to endure the suffering God allowed her to experience because she always “held Him in view.” From the time even before He was an infant holding her gaze in the manger to the moment when He was agonizing on a cross, her focus was always upwards towards her Heavenly Father who was the source of her strength. She suffered more than any woman in the world, and yet instead of trying to escape, she was able to endure it by never losing sight of Him whom she fully understood is Love.
It makes sense that the devil wants you to escape from your cross and choose distractions instead because he knows that you carrying that tailor-made cross will result in you becoming exactly who you were created to be. Just as Mary’s pain at Calvary is what allowed her to step into her role as our Heavenly Mother, in the same way our suffering is what molds us for Heaven.
How fitting it is that every time the sacred host is raised at Mass, the priest quotes that famous line from St. John the Baptist who said, “Behold, the Lamb of God.” (John 1:29).
There’s a beautiful story of a man who used to sit in front of the Blessed Sacrament in St. John Vianney’s parish and one day Vianney said to him, “Can I ask, what do you talk to Him about while sitting here for so long?” And the man answered, “Nothing. I look at Him and He looks at me.” So simple, but so profound. We are called to do the same- to behold Him. To sit in His gaze and just allow Him to look at us. Focusing on Him who is Love, holding Him in view. For He has promised He is always with us, till the very end of the age (Matt 28:20).
