Five Things We Weren't Taught About Sex
By Stephanie Calis
We are a revelation of love. Literally.
The human body speaks a language. We are material and spiritual, body and soul. The depths, mysteries, and uniqueness of every heart are made visible through the body, the intangible made manifest in ways we can experience with our senses.
And what’s more, we are made to be a gift - an offering of who we are to the world and to our particular call. For those called to the vocation of marriage, self-gift takes on a total and exclusive language in sexual intimacy.
Is any of this sounding a little, well, out there? In both secular and religious circles, sexuality can frequently be surrounded by shame or repression. The reality, though, is that sex is intended for freedom: the freedom to give of yourself entirely, freedom from shame no matter where you’ve been, freedom to be loved in your vulnerability.
Here, whether you’re single, engaged, or newly married, are five things you might never have heard in your formation on sex and marriage.
1. Virginity does not define you.
If you’ve ever attended a presentation wherein someone who’s slept with multiple partners before marriage is likened to a chewed piece of gum, a dirty piece of tape, or a worn-out pair of sneakers, know this loud and clear: Your past does not define who you are. You are not chewed up, not dirty, not beyond repair.
You are good. Your body is good. Whether or not you and your beloved are entering marriage as virgins, you can choose, starting today, to love and accept one another fully in your sexual relationship. It might take time, mercy, and healing to reconcile with any past sexual experiences, and that’s alright. Strive for a spirit of honesty, forgiveness, and grace, and find strength in counseling or therapy if it’s needed.
2. Sex isn’t the only great thing about being married.
Really! Even in the beauty of experiencing the fruits of your anticipation, the intimacy of married life goes beyond the physical and involves emotion, spirituality, humor, and a shared home and social life. Friendship is one of the most joyful elements of romance.
What’s more, the understanding that there’s more to marriage than sex makes it easier to confront necessary periods of abstinence, like sickness, travel, or postponing pregnancy.
3. You and your spouse won’t be good at it right away.
Whatever your pasts, sexual intimacy grows and deepens with time, just as it is in any other area of your relationship. As you and your spouse come to know each other in this new way, consider it an opportunity to communicate with honesty, vulnerability, and gentleness.
4. Try not to worry too much about how you “should” be in your sexual relationship.
When you value traditional marriage and distinct gender roles, it can be easy to overanalyze what’s “masculine” or “feminine” in how you and your spouse express yourselves sexually. So long as both of you are comfortable and upholding one another’s dignity, it’s okay to be forthright in your physical relationship. Holy boldness.
The Hebrew translation of Adam and Eve’s names is almost identical, with only a small difference in letters. Man and woman are alike - made for one another - yet distinct, each with a particular genius and identity. The translation is related to the word for fire. When used for its intended purpose, fire sustains life.
5. All the goodness of sex-positivity might challenge your expectations.
Teachings like Natural Family Planning (a non-artificial, non-barrier method of monitoring fertility signs) and Theology of the Body (St. John Paul II’s series of talks on the human person, vocation, salvation, and sexuality) are inspiring and galvanizing.
In all their goodness, though, these teachings might lead to overly elevated expectations that your sexual relationship will be free from challenge. These teachings provide a healthy, foundational framework, yet they are only that - a framework. Strive to view sex not as an idol, but an icon of a still greater love.
Ultimately, sex and love profess the same thing: I revere, I adore, and I cherish you; I am totally yours. In freedom and in truth, may your love be a gift in this world.
Stephanie is the co-founder and editor in chief of Spoken Bride, an online ministry and blog for Catholic brides and newlyweds, and the author of “Invited: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner." She can be found here: @stephmariecalis and @spokenbride.
FURTHER READING
BOOKS: Fill These Hearts, Christopher West | Holy Sex, Gregory Popcak | Forever, Jackie and Bobby Angel
WEB: Managing Your Fertiltity, managingyourfertility.com | Emily Wilson Hussem (YouTube, Instagram), @emwilss | Fem Catholic, femcatholic.com
