For When You are Not Loved Back
By Johanna Duncan
A few years ago, a group of students gathered at an old professor's house to hear some words of wisdom about life. Without much preamble, he said, “If you haven’t loved and not been loved back, you have not lived.” I initially took his words as mythical, as if -there's truth in here but the narrative is imaginary.
Until it happened. Realizing that the love I had to give was not corresponding was more painful than I expected, but a couple of mental and emotional breakdowns later, it turned out to be quite empowering.
Here is how.
To love is a gift, and to witness something in someone worth of our hearts’ praise is an even greater gift. It may be the way only you notice that he is feeling insecure in the midst of a crowd, or the compassion you feel for his wounds and flaws. Having a certainty that there is something here, and perhaps he knows it too! But that is all there is, and you must let that be a secret between you and him.
Call it unfair, but there's no set outcome nor determined expectations of how someone should react when we love them. You may ask, “How can he not see it?” While you are barely able to remain composed. The truth is, you may never know what is in his heart, but that is alright, because you are only responsible for your heart and the love it holds is a beauty in itself.
Love blinds and the infatuation may make you feel as if you have no voice in the matter. Maybe that is why we call it falling in love; as if we stomp into it and lose composure, balance, and control. But relationships are a discernment and the accident of falling does not suffice.
To love is also a choice, and while you may not be able to tame the wild sensations in your chest, it is your choice to give in to those feelings or guard your heart. Easier said than done, but if you are not prudent in your dating life, you may create a situation in which you may think you are pursuing love, while instead, you are entering a cycle of pain, frustration, and disappointment.
Stand strong in your principles and in full confidence of who you are, so you may not give in to a downward spiral of improper behavior for the sake of low quality love.
Cherish the love you have for a particular someone, but do it wisely. Pray for that person, carry acts of mercy on their name, admire the beauty love has in itself. Let that love make you better and pour it into your life by loving everyone you encounter. Know that you are free to love, but just like Abraham, God may call you to sacrifice your Isaac. To return to Him a person he gave you to love to prove that you won’t break the first commandment “Love God above all else.” Maybe, just like Abraham, you will be spared and as they say -if it is meant to be it will come back. But first, you must carry the sacrifice.
Keep the necessary boundaries in place and know that to not be loved back is not a punishment.
Quick story on boundaries: The Servant of God Dorothy Day moved out of New York because the man she loved would not marry her and instead, wanted to cohabitate. She wrote in her autobiography The Long Loneliness “I would have gone back to New York when my contract was not renewed, but to me at that time New York was an occasion of sin. I hungered too much to return to Forster. I had to stay away for a while longer. So I went to Mexico.”
Nowadays due to how connected we are, your sacrificed Isaac may text ‘what’s up?’ every now and then, or may remain in your life one way or another. That makes the grieving process even more complicated, and precisely for that reason the sacrifice and boundaries go hand in hand.
In the end, your integrity matters, so don’t get caught up in trying to make them love you back by searching for answers you can’t find on your own. Words such as “How to get him to commit”, “How to make him like me.” “How to get him back.” So many young women’s magazines are flooded with empty answers to these questions; as if making a relationship work, required a thesis worthy research. It does not, and even if you reach your goal, you will be settling. Instead, invest in the things that make you lovely and unique -your hobbies, friends, and overall vocation.
If marriage is your call, consider the fact that you are living that call before vows are taken, so live a life grounded in developing the skills and character required to be a good wife and mother, and do not allow empty promises to derail your heart.
It is a statistical impossibility to always be loved back, so graciously take rejection and recognize that this pain is simply part of the human experience. As my professor said -if you have not experienced it, you have not lived. Have confidence in the fact that relationships that do not work out are not a failure and as long as you are authentic and honest through your discernment, even through heartbreak, you will grow and turn closer to Christ. That is a win!
To move on, take an interest in other people and seek Christ in them through service and authentic friendships. That will remind you that the world does not revolve around you nor your beloved, and your heart will be filled with things outside from what is causing you pain. It may take some time, but you will get there and soon enough you will realize that even if the love remains, the heartbreak will be gone.
Suddenly one day, you will wake up and not expect his call or text, nor desire to be noted or missed by your beloved, and you will be ok with that.
After all, that same day or another, you will be loved back.
Here is a section from St. Francis’ Prayer for Peace. Pray it so your restless heart may rest in Him and you may slowly but surely find peace in loving while not being loved back.
“O Divine Master, grant that I may
Not so much seek to be consoled as to console
To be understood, as to understand
To be loved, as to love
For it is in giving that we receive
And it's in pardoning that we are pardoned
And it's in dying that we are born to Eternal Life
Amen”
-St. Francis Prayer for Peace
