God's Love is Patient and Dramatic
By Laura Gomez
There was no contempt. Though aware of God’d mercy, I still expected the same lack of forgiveness and disappointment I had for myself to come from Him too. I had forgotten that I owe everything to my Lord and Savior, even my own existence. I had forgotten the fear of the Lord and chose not to love him back because I was too afraid. Afraid to receive the gift of his love. See, the evil one knows when one is in pain and comes ready to attack when we are most vulnerable.
I would be lying if I said my life was changed by a single weekend of experiencing God’s presence. It was not a single event that healed my heart, nor did any of my problems get “fixed.” But the fire of God’s love is patient as it is dramatic. It was still a struggle for me to find peace, and my heart was still anxious and restless. I was angry at everything, resentful towards everyone, even towards God. I felt upset because I felt like I had given up so much to God and thought He was expecting me to give more. It felt like no matter what I gave up, it would never be enough. But there was nothing more I could give.
The beauty in realizing our nothingness is that we realize that there is nothing else for us to give; all that is left for us is to receive. But why are our souls afraid of that which it is seeking in the first place? I think we remain afraid of receiving God’s love because we know that this requires change!
We know in our hearts that His love is so incredibly great that there is no possible way for us to continue living our life the same way once we receive God’s love into our life. I was afraid of receiving the Father’s love into my heart because I knew that his love is so consummating and powerful that my heart would want nothing else but to leave everything behind and follow Him. And I wasn’t ready for that. Not yet. I wasn’t ready to give it all up again. But yet I still wanted that joy again. I missed the reassuring confidence that came from being in His arms, to know that nothing else in the world matters but Him. The peace in knowing that he is in utter control of everything so there is nothing for us to fear because nothing is impossible with God (Lk 1:37).
Through the grace of the Holy Spirit I am learning that it isn’t about choosing between two loves. It isn’t about choosing God versus worldly pleasures. It isn’t so much about what I was giving up but instead what I was gaining. Because when we choose the greatest love of all, everything else flows naturally in abundant peace and our soul is completely fulfilled. Amidst my internal battle, I experienced an unmeasurable and indescribable feeling of mercy and love. Not so much as an emotion, but rather as an understanding of the truth. And I pray that my heart may be open to receiving the greatest love of all -my everything whom my soul seeks.
