Handling Disappointment from Rejection
By Alanna Murray
I’ve been thinking a lot about rejection lately. And not even rejection in dating, necessarily, although that crosses my mind occasionally too. But, I have mainly been thinking of rejection in a general way and how it affects all areas of our lives. I have a feeling it might be because I re- read Lysa TerKeurst’s book Uninvited during this quarantine which focuses all on this topic - “feeling less than, left out, and lonely”, as the subtitle of the book reveals. I thought it was interesting how the author hits on the many areas where rejection has entered her life - career, romance, friendships, family, etc. Rather than focusing on rejection only in romance which is often the popular context in which we hear about it.
Unfortunately, or maybe rather fortunately, rejection is a part of the human experience, and just like suffering, it is something that everyone will go through in one way or another at some point in their life.
So, I have a few things to say that might sound a bit cynical [although that is not my intent - just trying to state the truth here] but I hope to also offer some words of encouragement by the end of your reading this as well.
Here are the facts. People and things disappoint. People and things fall short of our expectations. They fail to love us and satisfy us in the way we want. The boy says he does not want to continue on. The job says they went with someone else. The friends do not include us in their plans. The house was sold to someone else. The dad leaves his family. The death of a loved one. Man, there can be so much hurt in the world and in our own lives, can’t there?
I think so much of the pain and disappointment that we feel from rejection is dependent on our expectations of that person or thing.
We don’t expect the loved one to die so soon; we don’t expect the dad to up and leave, and we don’t expect to be treated that way by our friends. We hope and pray for the outcome we want (and rightfully so, I mean, God tells us to pray boldly so that He can show us the marvelous things He can do, doesn’t He?), so we don’t expect not to get the job, not to get the boy, not to get the house. The list goes on.
Unfortunately, if we don’t handle disappointment and rejection in healthy ways, it can cause some serious bitterness, anger, jealousy, and resentment in our lives. And there is no room in our beautiful female hearts for any of those things.
In addition, I think past memories of rejection can sometimes keep us from trusting others and opening up in those areas of life where we’ve been hurt, or it can prevent us from taking a risk on an opportunity that we know would be good for us.
But then it hit me the other day, somewhat in an epiphany, that we need to accept that this world and the people in it are human - flawed, imperfect, mortal - and almost, dare I even say, expect that they are going to disappoint us. Because they are and they will. Now, I don’t think the Lord would advocate for us being mistreated or trampled on either. No, we should most definitely fight for our worth and stick up for ourselves. However, I think a simple shift in perspective redeems rejection and takes away any fear of being vulnerable (of course, with those deserving of said vulnerability) in trying something new or entering into new relations. And as a result, this ultimately leads to a healthier life, in my humble opinion.
Picture this: what if we viewed every relationship (romance, friendship, family) and opportunity (job, school, ministry, etc.) as a fleeing thing and the only sure thing we can count on is our relationship with God. That might sound like a little bit of a fluffy statement but hear me out. At the end of the day, no matter what state of life we’re in (single, dating, married, religious life), it has always been us and God, and God alone. Me and God. You and God. It really is the only unchanging thing we can depend on. Yes, we are communal beings and we should follow our consciences regarding relationships and opportunities. However, even in life-giving friendships or relationships or ministries or careers, what the Lord gives, the Lord takes away. We are all blemished beings living in this temporal world. Those people and things were only there to enrich our earthly lives anyway, and we in turn, hopefully enriched the lives and world around us as well. Those things are just the icing on the cake, and God is the whole cake.
We can’t control how others treat us or what hand we’re dealt. We can only control how we react. Even in the most painful rejections, let us pray for an understanding that we did not need that validation or approval, anyway. Let us pray to respond to the situation in virtue with an understanding that God’s opinion of us has the final word. God knows who we are and it’s always been just us and Him alone, whether we were aware of it or not. We had nothing to lose.
Let us pray to learn how to expect nothing; how to approach every person and opportunity with these lowered expectations, especially those we are counting on the most, and consequently, be surprised by the gifts God shows us, fueling a renewed joy in our hearts. Of course, it’s OK to feel the pain, but in moving forward, let us pray to understand that the person or thing was eventually going to disappoint us anyway, as all things of this world do. I hope to leave you with some encouraging words from Jesus in John 4:13 in which He compares the water that the world gives, compared to the water He gives, “Jesus answered and said to her, ‘Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again; but whoever drinks the water I shall give will never thirst; the water I shall give will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.’”
