How To Handle A Grudge
By Johanna Duncan
I hardly move on, unfortunately. More often than I would like to admit, I spend too much time dwelling on past hurts or simple offenses. To which my family and friends say “Let it go!” and send some self-help articles and Instagram posts with advice about how liberating it is to simply stop caring about it. But can there be such a thing? Should I, or can I, really stop caring? These questions seem fairly pointless because not caring is not an option for an attached heart.
Just like everything else, though, if you are to carry it in your heart, you must carry it well.
Culturally, there are trends around cancelling people out after an offense and while some distance can be necessary and beneficial, the worth of the relationship is of value as well. As hurt as we may be, it is crucial to keep in mind that the offender is still God’s daughter or son and deserves all of our love. The question that follows would be, “How do you love while hurt?” That is for you to answer with regards to your particular situation. Take all the space you may need, vent as you please, or write a letter just to later destroy it, but don’t fester in the hurt by defaming someone’s name or seeking revenge, that will only make the wounds deeper and, consequently, more painful.
To rise above our painful feelings is a necessity, approaching people and situations with fairness requires us to think and act beyond our hurt. Instead of being brought down by an unfair break up or the end of a relationship and looking at it as “That *censored* broke my heart!” Instead consider the numerous ways in which break ups, as painful as they can be, are often a gesture of respect. It is always better to walk away from a situation that doesn’t work than to hold on to it for selfish reasons. Whether or not you are aware of why it doesn’t work, the same rule applies to being fired from a job you deeply care about or being rejected from a program you wanted into badly.
Much of the current self-help narrative revolves around our own ego and we are encouraged to dictate a narrative in which we are the protagonists of pretty much. . . every story. But in practice, when things stop being about us, they stop hurting us.
I say this because we often think and say that we have forgiven simply because we know it is the right thing to do; but when we come to face what happened, it still hurts and we still care deeply about it. During those times, guide your heart out of bitterness by reminding yourself of the goodness of the betrayer, instead of defining them by only their weaknesses and faults. Have all the deep and honest conversations you may need to, but practice charity and recognize Christ in those who have caused us pain.
It is quite common to suddenly become friends with someone you could not stand for a long time, to get back together with an ex who once deeply hurt you, or to reconnect with a parent or sibling after a big fall out. The world is full of those stories, stories of love, forgiveness, and compassion; more so, they are about remembering human dignity, even in the middle of a painful grudge. Because, after all, we are created in His likeness, including those who have hurt us.
So, going back to our initial question, “How do we love while hurt?” Just look up to the cross.
