Miscarriage and the Mystery of Our Crosses
By Lenore Mangiarelli
When life seems to go nearly as we expected—we attend the college we want, we accomplish the career goals we set, we marry at the age we want to, we buy the house we dreamed of, or we have the children we want at the time we want them––it’s easy to proclaim and praise God for His blessings and trust in His goodness in our life. Each of these things, people, and events are incredible gifts and God is to be thanked for the blessings He has poured out upon us. We are, in fact, blessed!
But what happens when we don’t get into the school we wanted or we don’t get the job we hoped for, or we don’t meet our future spouse when we want to or we can’t afford the home we would like or we face infertility or miscarriage? What then? Is God still good? Is He still to be trusted? Does He have a good plan for our life? Are we still blessed?
I’ve wrestled with these questions of God’s blessing and goodness over the past four years, as my husband and I have navigated miscarriage and infertility. Going into marriage, we had the desire for children—lots of them—and expected that they would come to us naturally and quickly! When we conceived on our honeymoon, I was overwhelmed by God’s overabundant goodness and the immense blessings of my husband and our baby.
We miscarried weeks later, and the subsequent years were filled with waiting and infertility. In the wake of a life lost and the unmet expectation of lots of children, I came face to face with these questions: is God still good when He allows suffering in my life? Can I trust His plan for my life when the prayer for children goes unanswered? Could I learn to see the blessings in my life while living in the tension of these questions?
Suffering, disappointment, unrealized dreams, loss—these are not, in and of themselves, good things. They reveal to us the brokenness of our world. Yet because Christ came to us, because He suffered and died for us, because He rose from death to life for us—this brokenness can become a blessing. It has been precisely through the unmet expectations, the unfulfilled longings in my heart, and the inexplicable “not yets” in my life, that I have encountered God, a God who can transform the sufferings in my life into reservoirs of grace, mercy, and beauty.
The loss of our child, the hiddenness of my motherhood, the disappointment of years without a positive pregnancy test, the uncertainty of whether we will have more children this side of heaven—these experiences of grief and disappointment were the places I was forced to confront the things I had falsely placed my value and identity in, such as my ability to have children or hitting certain milestones by a certain age. It has been in wrestling through the pain and the questions that the blessing has come: I have learned to see myself more clearly, know my value, and understand my identity as God’s beloved daughter. I have found freedom and meaning through the crosses God has allowed to come into my life.
Slowly, I am discovering the mysterious blessing of this cross that has revealed a God who is good in the face of suffering, a God who can be trusted with my life and questions, and most importantly, a God who is present with me to carry this cross. Through the refining fire of this cross, God has drawn me to Him and He has gently grown me; I have released the idols and expectations I had placed before Him, deepened my understanding of my vocation of marriage, and He has taught me to trust His goodness and remain faithful during the wait.
It is easy to look around and see the evident blessings in the lives of those around us, allowing this comparison to tell us that we aren’t blessed, that maybe God has forgotten us, or that we are just left behind. What we might not realize is that it is precisely in these sufferings that God is inviting us into His refining fire of love, to unfathomable intimacy with the only One who can answer the desires of our hearts. We are still, in fact, blessed through the mystery of this suffering God permits in our life; in all of it He draws close to us, and draws us to Himself.
Let’s rejoice in the many evident blessings in our lives, but let’s also remember to praise God for the mysterious blessing of the crosses that draw us deeper into His love.
