Overcoming Insecurities as a Single Woman
By Yana Bostongirl
There is a popular quote by Katy Perry that urges caution when diving into a relationship just for the sake of fulfilling a need: “Too many girls rush into relationships because of the fear of being single, then start making compromises and losing their identity. Don't do that.” Insecurities can cause young women to get ahead of themselves when making important life choices, like marriage, without fully appreciating the impact it can have on their future happiness and mental health. It got me thinking that this advice is something I would have loved to share with myself when I was 20 and on the cusp of becoming a bride.
Parasitic insecurities
Many of the young women I attended a private Catholic college with were intent on preparing themselves for the married life. I recall a few who chose to discontinue their education midway rather than pass up on the opportunity to tie the knot. It was not a stretch, therefore, for me to think that a fulfilled life seemed to hinge on making a good match, getting married, and raising a family.
Spurred on by this mindset, I was eager to get out of college and start a new phase in my life. Marriage represented not only a gateway to freedom from my constant companion, loneliness, but also from the expectation of living a romantic fairy tale of my own. Though I believed my motivations to be sound, the reality was quite different. It was my insecurities—woefully low self-esteem and a desperate craving for affection—that were clamouring for me to take the plunge. Insecurities are parasitic that way. They have a nasty habit of burrowing deep and filling you with irrational beliefs which make you feel you are not enough.
Marriage is not an avenue of escape
While the desire to marry is a good thing––and asking God to fulfill this desire is by no means selfish or desperate––there are nevertheless two important questions I should have first asked myself: Was I ready for this calling? Were my reasons for desiring marriage the right ones? In my case, the longing for a loving family of my own was almost visceral in its intensity. Perhaps, it was in part due to the unbearable pain of watching helplessly as my parents’ marriage fell apart or maybe it was because of the need to fill the aching void in my heart.
In the rush to escape from the ruins of my parents’ marriage, I barely gave the concept of readiness a thought prior to taking what was perhaps the most important step in my life. I also didn’t take a moment to consider what my expectations were as a wife nor those I had for my future husband. I hid behind the conviction that my prettiness or other attractive qualities would more than compensate for my inadequacies, and then everything else would miraculously fall into place.
Therein lay the flaw in my thinking: Marriage is not a means of escape or fulfilment. Marriage is about offering the best of ourselves despite our imperfections.
In his article “The Garden in Full Bloom,” non-denominational pastor Chuck Swindoll talks about some of the essential ingredients for a healthy marriage: “[The Hebrew word for] Joined describes absolute devotion and loyalty, uncompromising affection and love. I’m not talking about codependency. I’m talking about two healthy, emotionally strong people who chose to stick together no matter what.” The codependency he mentions here is a by-product of a lack of good emotional balance. A Good Therapy article further explains the characteristics of a codependent person in a relationship: “They may ‘depend’ on others to validate their self-worth. A codependent person may deny their own desires or emotions to get this approval.”
In retrospect, my insecurities drove me into a codependent relationship. My life became a self-perpetuating cycle of validation that I seemed to have no control over.
Overcoming insecurities through the practice of self love
Heartbroken, I found myself turning to the Lord in tears when I stumbled across this Bible verse from Mark 12:31: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” Even though I was familiar with this commandment, I never quite thought about it as pertaining to me beyond the context of loving others. As I reflected on this verse, I realized that God was telling me that I needed to first love myself, warts and all. He was teaching me to incorporate and apply His qualities of forgiveness and compassion to myself; something I had to do before I could be in a position to extend it to others.
This acceptance of myself formed the cornerstone of my journey to healing and becoming whole again. An integral part of this process was the draining of the swamp, so to speak, to bring to the surface all those misconceptions I had about myself and then unlearning them one by one.
I have come to realize that my biggest mistake was in letting my insecurities get the better of me by rushing into a marriage that I was not emotionally ready for. As a consequence, I gave others the power to determine my self worth. Today, the security that comes with the knowledge that I am worthy in God’s eyes has not only changed the way I view myself but also in how I expect to be treated in a relationship.
Based on what I’ve gleaned from my experiences, I truly wish I could have a heart-to-heart with my younger self and impart some of this hard-earned wisdom. If I could go back in time, I would hold her tight and tell her what I’d like to tell you now: Sweetheart, I totally understand how you are feeling and it’s going to be okay. You don’t need to rush into something you are not ready for because it’s not the only way to find happiness. Remember you are deeply loved––and worthy of your own love––because you are precious in God’s eyes.
