Practical Tips for Long-Distance Dating
By Rachel Gieger
Right after I started grad school, my little sister made a joke about me dating. Single and already deep in my theology books, I laughed: “I have no time.” She replied with simple wisdom that I have passed on many times since: “For the right person, you will make time.”
It was as if she were a prophet because, just a few weeks later, I met my fiancé. We met at an out of state wedding and, after beginning the process of getting to know each other through late night phone calls and letters, we faced the looming reality of a long-distance relationship while I finished grad school. I was treading into an unknown for which no article could prepare me and, I assume if you’re reading this, you might be too.
I discovered, however, that despite the unknowns that inherently come with long-distance, my sister was right: we learned to make time. Even though there was overloading because of grad school courses, multiple jobs, and ministries on our plates, my fiancé and I gradually learned to shift our priorities and make time for our relationship, however inconvenient it may have felt or appeared. Long-distance demands your time and attention in a unique and, yes, sometimes inconvenient way––but my, is it worth it.
Below are some things I learned through a lot of trial and error over a 9 month period. I hope they can help you with the long-distance road ahead as well. Here’s how, for the right person, you can slowly learn to make time:
1. Communication, communication, communication.
My word, is this basic but necessary advice. Not only will communication serve you in relationships in general, but long-distance supplies the unique opportunity to make it a habit. You’re trying to be invested in someone’s life who probably doesn’t share the social environment around you, and vice-versa, so active sharing and listening are key.
Additionally, being just a voice over the phone takes out a lot of cues and senses that come with in-person interaction. Your S.O. won’t necessarily know the hardship, joy, or confusion you’re experiencing in your everyday life unless you communicate it to them.
Finally, conflict over the phone or FaceTime can feel weird, but it’s crucial just the same. Start the trend of transparent honesty now. If your boyfriend/fiancé/husband hurts or disappoints you, you need to let them know, even if they’re thousands of miles away. The result of charitable honesty will always be growth, especially if the relationship is supposed to progress.
2. Embrace the suck.
One of the most common things people would say to me about long-distance before I had my own experience with it was something along the lines of, “Long-distance sucks.” This continued to be a trend even when people would hear I was in a long-distance relationship. While it can feel like a relief to say “this sucks” when the going gets tough, without realizing it you’re setting the pattern for how you deal with suffering as a couple.
Rather than blanketing the experience with how difficult it is, identify the hardship and talk about why it sucks. Long-distance is hard because you miss and love each other, so say that instead. It yields a more positive result and gets to the truth of the matter.
Learning to say the true reason why it’s difficult to be long-distance also helps you recall why you’re doing this in the first place. The sacrifice of long-distance isn’t for some far-off purpose––it’s for a person and they’re worth it. In the moments of pain and separation, press into the hardship and let it remind you how worthy this person is of your sacrifice!
3. Learn multiple ways to connect.
When faced with distance, it can feel like phone calls, texting, and FaceTime are your only options. Getting creative not only brings an element of fun to the relationship, but makes you feel more connected in the long run.
My fiance and I found so much solace in writing each other letters––it gave us something to look forward to and gift each other with. We continue doing this even now that long-distance is over, and we treasure the letters we wrote to each other in that time especially. One of my friends in a long-distance relationship would watch movies with his girlfriend over an app that allowed both of them to stream a movie at the same time. Find something that works for both of you to strengthen the feeling of normalcy and connection.
It’s also helpful to make a goal to touch base, somehow, every day. Our schedules didn’t allow us to talk every day, but even a quick text exchange in the morning to let each other know we’re thinking of and praying for each other never got old.
4. Have intentional visits.
Whenever possible, visit each other. This is a no-brainer, but each couple needs to figure out how often this is possible. In my case, it was once a month and we would switch off. It’s okay if sometimes being in person feels strange at first too––learning your in person dynamic can take time when you’re used to being apart.
Keep these trips fun and romantic, with lots of time to meet each others’ friends and family, but don’t feel guilty for still needing time alone either. Even though you usually have lots of time to talk, having conversations in person feels beautifully different and it's important to make space for that.
5. Don’t put pressure on prayer.
This goes for dating in general, in my opinion. Don’t put pressure on yourselves to immediately sync up in prayer. This can be both hard and awkward in person, and even more so when long-distance. Your schedules are probably very different and finding time just to talk can be tough.
I felt guilty at first for not “praying enough” while we were dating, and that was only because we weren’t praying during every phone call. If you’re able to do that, and feel called to do so, that’s awesome! But, if your prayer together needs to look like a rosary once a week or texting your daily intentions to each other each morning, that’s great too. Find a rhythm that works for both your unique relationship and your individual needs, don’t feel like it’s a competition.
6. Seasons change, and so does your relationship.
Every relationship needs to be okay with changes, but those changes may feel more stark in long-distance. I can’t tell you how many “adjustments” had to be made to our schedule for talking, praying, visits, etc. because some things didn’t work or only worked for a time. Distance requires you to go with the flow and communicate the need for change very bluntly. It takes a lot of effort to sync up, but the effort is worth it.
7. Don’t freak out about regular red flags.
This may sound passive, but things that are usually red flags in person may not be over long-distance. When your relationship is primarily communication, especially from the beginning, there can be moments of awkwardness or disconnect that can make you severely doubt.
Communication may be really great one week and very tough the next––and there’s no activities or distractions for y’all to engage in to fill that gap. Even physical attraction may take time to really develop, since you barely see each other! Emotional vulnerability may be more difficult too, since all you can hear in response is a voice on the phone. These things are red flags in person, but add long-distance into the mix and they might just be regular ‘ole growing pains.
8. Practice gratitude for individuality and solitude.
This is kind of part of “embracing the suck”, because long-distance presents you with lots of opportunities to feel really, really lonely. While your friends have dates on Friday nights and your man is busy, you’re at home with a glass of wine feeling pretty sorry for yourself. In addition, those in relationships around you don’t necessarily understand, unless they’ve been through it themselves. This loneliness can either eat at you or you can be grateful for it.
You have the space to continue cultivating who you are as a unique individual and take opportunities that you might not get to if your S.O. wasn’t so far away. You get to continue to pour into your female friendships, as well as develop excellent work and study habits. The spiritual solitude, especially, can be incredibly fruitful if you allow it to be. Take your loneliness to Jesus, since only He can fill it in the first place.
9. It’s okay to feel misunderstood, but don’t stay there.
Per the above point, a massive part of my loneliness came from a lack of understanding from most of my friends. While some of them may have done long-distance for a couple of months over a summer break, their experience of it felt very different and abbreviated in comparison.
While some friends may try to relate, it’s okay to feel like it’s not the same. . .because it isn’t. Receive what your friends offer you by way of understanding and relatability, but ultimately take that need to Our Lord. He completely understands, and knows your heart and life infinitely more than you ever could.
While only Jesus can fulfill our need to be completely understood, if there is someone in your life who has gone through long-distance, don’t be afraid to ask for their wisdom, even if you’re not close friends. I found incredible solace in the young mom I was nannying for––she and her husband had successfully lived out their entire dating relationship and engagement in long-distance. The Lord also blessed me with a few friendships with amazing women who were in similar situations. While we could never perfectly understand the individuality and challenges of each other’s relationships, we were there for each other in the tougher moments especially.
10. Lean on grace.
A few weeks ago, a couple that just recently entered into long-distance dating asked my fiancé and I for advice. After we both spewed out some thoughts, I looked at my fiancé and he said with a knowing smile, “There is always grace.”
Long-distance is beautiful but full of unique suffering. I have come to realize that it allows you to experience consolation and desolation in a very potent way; being in person naturally brings consolation and it should; however, feeling far away from each other physically and emotionally is rightfully trying. Our relationship was not easy in many ways, and still isn’t, but, because of that suffering, we’ve been able to experience a depth of grace that I am so grateful for now.
If God has called you to be together, He will keep you together through your weakness, sin, misunderstanding, loneliness, and distance. In fact, it’s an opportunity to realize that grace is the only way any of us make it to the altar in the first place. The pain involved is one of the greatest tools of discernment you have in long-distance, so press into it. If you don’t have a longing to be together, it tells you something.
Embrace the hardship, the loneliness, and the joy that comes with a relationship like this, there is so much grace to be found in it. Remember that the hand of God is not limited by miles and that He’s holding both of you.
