Putting Marriage On Hold
By Zoe Nietert
We should be on the verge of wedding season right now.
Brides should be celebrating their impending marriages with friends and family, scheduling final dress fittings, and attending cake tastings. Instead, we are struggling to have conversations with family about the back-up plan we never imagined.
I was supposed to get married this May, but, like countless brides, the prevailing pandemic has unintentionally rescheduled the entire day.
Let’s start with the obvious. It is completely understandable that engaged couples have chosen to reimagine or reschedule their weddings. The coronavirus is dangerous and it is scary. Especially because it can attack silently. With asymptomatic victims of the virus among the healthy there is pressure now more than ever to keep our distance out of desperation. Between elderly grandparents, friends battling autoimmune disorders, and groomsmen from five different states, my fiancé and I have stubbornly joined the increasing number of couples working to redesign a day that has been dreamt of since that sweet man of mine knelt down on one knee.
The ache in my heart has been consistent since the idea of postponing the wedding has been brought to my attention. I am near certain the same is true for you. Changing plans is one thing. We grow to learn how to cope with disappointment in these circumstances. However, when the event in question is the day you commit yourself to one man for the rest of your life, the disappointment seems to grow exponentially. I will be the first to admit that the conversation started with “What do you think we should do about the wedding?” rarely goes as planned. For us, these conversations have ended in tears, slamming doors, and genuine apologies over and over and over again. Deciding what to do about a wedding during a pandemic proves to be taxing and trying for everyone.
To our families and guests “Can’t you just postpone the wedding?” seems like an innocent, thoughtful, and even hopeful question, but to the wives and husbands-to-be that very question is the beginning of heartache.
The Catechism of the Catholic Church explains the matrimonial covenant is a partnership between a man and a woman for their whole lives (1601). This covenant exists for the good of the man and woman involved; and by God’s good grace and provision, the family that is to come. Through the marriage bond, the husband and wife receive grace from Christ himself as well as unity, indissolubility, and fidelity. To be married is a commitment that requires certainty because of the great gifts the Lord offers us through this covenant. The man and woman offering themselves to each other must firmly know and willingly desire to create a partnership. Dating and engagement offer us the opportunity to discern this through prayer and conversations with friends and family. This process leads us to certainty, and with certainty we are sheparded towards the covenant. The wedding mass and reception are public displays of these promises made with confidence, so when you kindly ask, “Can’t you just postpone the wedding?” you are asking me to postpone more than an afterparty.
Culture seems to encourage us to share so much more prior to marriage: a home, a bed, and occasionally money. It is permissible to some extent to live a married life without the vows to solidify the covenant. I understand the appeal. Love is overwhelming, especially when you are striving to love and honor someone as Jesus does, and, when you know you want to be with someone, it can be even more powerful. Intimacy is built when we share our lives without inhibitions and fear. Society suggests that this is possible when we live together prior to marriage. However, the Church makes it clear that sacramental marriage affords us the same opportunity and so much more. Through dating, we are called as young catholic women to preserve our hearts and our bodies for this very promise. That means from now until our wedding days the only things I have to share are frozen pizzas, funny memes, and time. That’s why “Can’t you just postpone the wedding?” brings with it incredible sorrow.
What I am really being asked to postpone is total mutual self-giving.
Couples intending to get married this year have spent months in premarital counseling discussing what it means to be married. Along with the help of their priests, family, and friends, engaged couples have intentionally increased their understanding of the marital bond in preparation for a life together. Postponing the wedding is a halting stop to the preparation we have endured in hopes of striving to love like Jesus through marriage.
Thankfully, postponement is not cancellation.
We must continue to anticipate the glory and goodness of the Lord to come despite the change of plans. He is kind and faithful to his children. This time of extended preparation can be sweet if you let it. Perhaps this is a chance for you to finally make room for his clothes in the closet. Maybe you want to tackle a course on natural family planning together. This could be your chance to form a new habit together like consistently reading scripture or praying the rosary every day. We have a unique opportunity to continue to prepare our hearts for the honorable calling of marriage through the ache and tears that came with moving such a big day.
I am clinging tightly to this verse in Revelation: “Let us rejoice and be glad and give him glory. For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready” (Revelation 19:7). We have the freedom as disappointed, grieving wives-to-be to use our heartache as motivation to continue preparing for our wedding days.
Take heart, sister. Soon our future husbands will rejoice too, saying the very same thing ‘She is ready.’
