The Lord Is The Foundation

By Gracie Varisco

I remember believing when I was 17 that God loved me, yet I never understood why. I felt value as a person diminished after I finally walked away from a bad high school relationship. I felt called to be holy and I tried so desperately to seek it; however, I never could accept placing my value in God’s hands. I thought I was like everyone else on this earth, I could rust like an old pair of scissors and break or just melt like snow.

In my sophomore year of high school, I was heavily involved with my parish and I loved it. It was both an escape and a place I could research where I could place my value. There were good people who taught me I have value and taught me that no one can take it away; however, somehow during my junior year I endured the worst depression I had ever experienced, and I felt like a shell of a person. This would continue to last for several months.

I had been to Catholic Camps, retreats and conferences and early on become ignited with God’s fire. It would last because I would place myself around those who would fan my flame and keep me going. The more I stepped away the harder it was to keep myself wanting the Lord, the one who wants only good for me. Naturally I fell into sin and my insecurities led me to lean on men who told me I was beautiful.

But years later, accepting that I’m truly beloved is scarier to me than admitting my own mistakes.

I had no self respect and thought the external validation I received from my boyfriend at the time was enough. I thought I was in an ‘adult relationship,’ (the even bigger lie was believing we were both seeking the Lord), but is it an adult relationship when you’re in the backseat of your car with the guy you convinced yourself back in June you’re in love with and he’s taking his clothes off along with yours? Is it love when the only compliments are about your body, the one you hate and one you let him take advantage of? I asked myself, where is your dignity Gracie? Why do you do this when you know this is wrong? Have I truly fallen so far from my namesake of grace that I’ve forgotten how beloved I am? Are you doing this because of love or the pleasure or the pleasure he gains because you’re useful to someone?

I thought I failed the Lord a long time ago. I thought I wasn’t useful to those around me in my parish. I bounced around and became distant to my faith but still knew all the teachings. I could recite them as if I was a religion teacher myself. I’d forgotten how to be still. I was dissatisfied with waiting on the Lord’s plan and dissatisfied with everything else around me because I was allowing only my ego to grow. I had been selfish and prideful and just writing it doesn’t seem to give gravity to how I was acting, to how I was losing myself.

But.

Mercy.

The Lord has so much mercy dear sisters, and the Lord never turned his back on me, no matter how far I fell. I gave up my virginity to a boy I believed would be my only, but I know in my heart that if he would have sought the Lord and if I would have sought the Lord, we would have been standing on firm foundation. As my friend asked me once, “What is your foundation? If not the Lord, then what are you going to build your house on?”

Sisters, never be ashamed of yourselves for your beauty and grace. Shame brought me into darker places. When searching for your foundations in any relationship remember the Lord. He is good. And as 2 Timothy 2:19 tells us, “Nevertheless, the firm foundation of God stands, having this seal, ‘The Lord knows those who are His.’”