The Rules of Respectful Rhetoric
By Rebecca Corgan
There’s a lot of high-stakes disagreeing going around these days…to put our global situation as mildly as possible.
In the midst of that, we don’t want to hurt our loved ones. We don’t want to sever our closest relationships. We don’t want to end up in frustrating circular arguments, we don’t want to perpetuate harmful ideas, and we don’t want to compromise our own beliefs.
I don’t know about you, but that can seem like we’re in a bit of an impossible situation, doesn’t it?
If you believe that one of your loved ones has a tough belief that could use some work, hey, join the club. In today’s polarized world, that’s one thing we all have in common.
Another thing we have in common is the need for community. Our need for community needs to be higher than our need to win arguments. We, as a society, have gotten really, really bad at disagreeing well. That needs to change.
Our job is to love.
That doesn’t mean we need to be pushovers. It does, however, mean that sometimes we need to be tactful. We need to know how to disagree well, how to argue respectfully, and how to end a tough conversation lovingly.
We need to remember that we can disagree with people and still talk and love and communicate. We need to remember that arguments don’t have to be drawn-out yelling matches. They can be productive. You can work towards that satisfying aha! moment of understanding. That’s the goal of really, really ridiculously well-thought-out rhetoric.
That doesn’t happen by accident. It takes work and humility and flexibility and strength.
Arguing respectfully: A how-to guide
Arguing well, using respectful rhetoric, conversing with class and preserving your relationships: All of these worthy aims can require some homework before you dive in. If you’re anticipating an occasion where you’ll have to navigate a minefield of sensitive subjects, it can be grounding to prepare a little in the comfort of your own home.
This may sound odd, but it can help to cozy in, grab a notebook, have a cup of tea, and perform the thought experiment of challenging your own beliefs. Other people are going to; if you take a moment to do it first, it will come as less of a visceral shock. However, it’s also a good exercise to help you know yourself and your beliefs in a palm-of-your-hand, fully-embraced kind of way. Sketch it out. Bring it down to basics, in your mind or on the page: This is who I am, and this is what I know.
Moving forward and working towards real growth is going to involve hard work and hard conversations. Part of that involves looking inward—examining the firm foundations on which we’ve built our houses.
If another person’s who I am, what I know is truly 100% contradictory to yours, that’s going to be tough. But - hear me out - that type of abject perpendicularity is relatively rare.
Most of us just want our families and communities to be happy, safe, and healthy. Most of us get up in the morning content to love those around us. Most of us are pretty nervous about what the future holds. Most of us exist in that middle. Most of us have that in common - and it’s important to remember that, no matter what our more pronounced proclivities may be.
Unfortunately, arguments rarely celebrate the thing we have in common. Here are a few practical tips for keeping an argument friendly and productive:
Avoid inflammatory language. Refrain from calling people names, and try to steer around speaking in ‘you’ statements - i.e., ‘you are irrational’ as opposed to ‘that idea is hard for me to grasp’.
Realize that it’s okay to take a break from an argument without a resolution. It’s okay to go to bed angry, as it were. Sometimes time and distance will help an argument naturally simmer down.
Consider using an argument to build healthy boundaries. Solid boundaries can help avoid burnt bridges. Sometimes, wisdom is knowing that we need to avoid certain topics, and that’s okay. Jesus called on us to love our neighbor - period; no qualifying factors. However, there is a certain point at which we have to guard our hearts and brains.
Self-care, other-care: Similarly, it’s important to remember that sometimes other people’s beliefs are not your direct responsibility. You can only control what you’re in charge of: Your response, your mental health, and your beliefs.
Helpful conversation closers that don’t burn bridges
It’s always a good idea to have a few go-to phrases that a) give an argumentative party the satisfaction of being heard, b) don’t compromise your position, and c) don’t add fuel to the flames. Think of these phrases as key parts of your diplomacy toolkit, and remember them the next time you’re wondering how to mitigate a spiraling conversation:
“Fair enough.” It’s simple; you’re not strictly acquiescing or arguing; and it’s easy to pivot from this to another idea.
“I’ll definitely have to read more about that.” This implies that their idea is worth research or at least that you have a desire to remain informed; and, also, that since you’ll be reading up later, now might not be the time to keep talking.
“Let me think about that—I’d love to discuss this later.” Even if you wouldn’t particularly love to chat anytime soon, this honors the other person’s experience while shutting down your current conversation.
“Hey—I think it’s better for us/our host/the kids if we don’t get into that right now. Want to see if there’s more cake?” Sometimes the direct approach is the best; and appealing to a broader sense of propriety for the sake of other loved ones can be an effective move. Plus, food is always a good way to mitigate hard feelings—literally stopping an argument to go break bread isn’t a bad strategy.
With these types of conversation closers, delivery is everything. Avoid sarcasm. Smile. Make eye contact. Pivot to a new subject quickly.
Even if you’re fighting the impulse to lash out, even if all you want to do is properly educate the other person about the topic at hand, navigating relationships often requires distance and tact. Recognize when it’s okay to back off, and refrain from digging in your heels. This might not feel particularly decisive or bold, but it’s often better for the health of our relationships.
Remembering that we love our family and friends, even when it’s tough
Unconditional love: It’s a thing. Its difficulty is kind of the point, sometimes. When we love a person well and unconditionally, we get to shine with a little bit of God’s grace; after all, that’s what He does, every second of every day. He loves us through our less shiny moments.
Ultimately, we need to remember that we need each other. We need our people. Our pope has said it. Our president has said it. Many saints have said it. Jesus said it. It’s the one thing everyone’s saying. (Because it’s true.)
When we remember that we’ve been entrusted with people to love, when we remember that most of us just want to be loved in a confusing world, and when we remember - even as our world gets increasingly complex - that our call to love remains simple, our path forward is hard but clear.
Navigating tough conversations with grace in ways that preserve our communities remains a skill that each of us need to have in the years that lay ahead.
