The Truth About Authenticity
By Jenna Kandas
Authenticity has seemed to fall by the wayside in a culture that values what one does or is, over who they are. It is a word that seems to be misconstrued to fit a particular agenda or philosophy. Ironically enough, in my experience, the term “authentic” has been invoked as an insincere diversion to the truth of who we are called to be.
A few weeks ago, my husband and I attended a dinner party hosted by a close friend. There were a few guests in attendance whom we had only met a handful of times. Beyond knowing their names and their connections to our friend, we really knew nothing else about them. After the meal, two of the women were asking about my kids - a safe subject, right? - and, both made some offhanded comments on how “lucky” I was to stay home. Which, yes, I completely agree that me being able to stay home is a luxury, but also, there’s more to my life than sitting around waiting for my children to require my assistance. Neither of them have kids, so this wasn’t a wistful comment coming from a working mother; it seemed more of a wish that they too, could stay home and what, not work? I have learned to let those comments go, and cheekily replied that “I was, indeed, living the dream.” Little do they know what it took to get BOTH me and my husband to this dinner party - never mind the constant laundry, chef duties, bills, cleaning, and if I do have a free moment, writing.
A few days later, I had a similar comment made to me, and after that, I could not let it go. What I should have said to all three of those women who desired to “stay home” is that they were catching me in a moment of peace. I could even provide an example of chaos that ensued that same day. Sharing our struggles causes us to be vulnerable. Being vulnerable is how we, as humans, connect with each other. I often opt to hide behind sarcasm and cheeky comments because I struggle with letting others in. I grew up in a house where no one was allowed to visit; rarely did we host holidays, parties, or dinner guests. Now that I’ve grown up, I can see how I have carried that philosophy into my relationships. I don’t want to show you the messy, the chaotic, the difficult. I’d rather encounter you in the peaceful, quiet moments in an effort to avoid having to share my struggles with you.
Brene Brown defines authenticity as “...a daily practice. Choosing authenticity means: cultivating the courage to be emotionally honest, to set boundaries, and to allow ourselves to be vulnerable; exercising the compassion that comes from knowing that we are all made of strength and struggle and connected to each other through a loving and resilient human spirit; nurturing the connection and sense of belonging that can only happen when we let go of what we are supposed to be and embrace who we are. Authenticity demands wholehearted living and loving - even when it’s hard, even when we’re wrestling with the shame and fear of not being good enough, and especially when the joy is so intense that we’re afraid to let ourselves feel it. Mindfully practicing authenticity during our most soul-searching struggles is how we invite grace, joy, and gratitude into our lives.” Being a mother is isolating. Being a young mother feels even more isolating. With the average age of marriage being 28 for women, getting married and having kids earlier than that initiates you into a small group of women who also can’t leave their house in under 40 minutes so the social event has to be worth it in order to endure the battle that is loading up kids and hauling them around town. When I do engage socially, I typically gauge whether a particular event is important enough to attend by pontificating if it will be constructive and life giving.
After hearing Brene Brown on authenticity, it occurred to me that I could cultivate authenticity in social settings through opening up. Of course, I’m not called to spill my heart at the onset, which is why Brene adds the bit about setting boundaries, but I can - should - share some of the highs and lows of my day/week/month/whatever. I should ask other moms how they are, and if there is anything I can do to help them. If I can make them dinner that week to ease their mental load as they trudge through sleepless nights. That means that I, also, need to be willing to ask for help.
To ask for babysitting when I need a nap; for a quick coffee date and human interaction; for a listening ear. Whatever it is that we need, we should be able to ask for it. Even if it takes digging deep to find that courage within us to be vulnerable and ask for help.
I hear so much about how women need to find their tribe. Yes, but how do we find it? I’ve been looking for my well-established, welcoming, wise tribe and have come up empty handed. However, heeding Brene’s advice, I am cultivating a new tribe, one built on authenticity, vulnerability, and compassionate love. So far, there’s only a handful of other members besides me, but it’s a start. And who said tribes had to be large in order to change the culture? Our culture may think of authenticity as defined by what someone does, but as Catholic women, we
need to boldly proclaim authenticity as a reflection of who God has created us to be; as a reflection faithfully resembling the Original plan of creation. As an example of this commitment to vulnerability and digging up courage to ask for help, I asked my mother-in-law to come over during nap time and unload/reload my dishwasher while I went to a coffee shop and wrote. After she had left, I noticed that she had also taken the trash out and folded my laundry. I texted her my appreciation so she would know that her actions of going above and beyond had not gone unnoticed, and her response was simple. She said “it’s because I love you!” My exercise of vulnerability - something I struggle with! - led to this free exchange of love, which I would have missed out on if I had not asked for her time and her help. That is the fulfillment of vulnerability; the unifying of the body of Christ.
