Vulnerability In Relationships
By Katie Ekblad
Relationships are one of the most complicated parts of life. Love is work. Work is difficult.
But difficult does not have to mean drama.
Difficult does, however, mean vulnerability. Building healthy relationships is one of the most vulnerable things we can ever partake in. Because in order to build healthy relationships we must be open to honesty, rejection, and being seen. Disney’s live action Cinderella put it very well into perspective when the Fairy Godmother said “Perhaps the greatest risk any of us will take: to be seen as we really are.” While Disney should perhaps not be the basis for which we live our lives, there is wisdom to be shed.
Last summer I stumbled upon Brene Brown's Netflix special “Brene Brown: A call to courage” and to put it in words easy to understand: I was shook. Brene spoke for an hour telling stories revolving around her research surrounding vulnerability and shame. After ugly crying my way through the special, I read her book “Daring Greatly.” This book took a more detailed view into her research. Brene writes primarily on vulnerability and shame in regards to the way it works in relationships.
Brene discusses the idea of ‘belonging’ and how it affects our relationships. Humans are driven to fit in, particularly women. Who doesn’t walk into a room with the desire to be one with the crowd? This inclination to fit in often goes conjointly with struggling to begin new relationships, or even being honest in the ones we already possess.
However, the idea of ‘belonging’ as Brene discusses it, does not mean ‘to fit in.’ Brene states, “Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.” The idea of belonging is so much more than fitting in. To fit in is arbitrary, but to belong is foundational. You cannot ‘belong’ in any situation anywhere you go if you cannot ‘belong’ in your own heart. This requires vulnerability and strong boundaries.
Now personally I’ve always viewed boundaries as both an instruction manual for how to actively love and to be loved better. You set boundaries so that you can be treated in the way that makes you feel well loved, and safe. But this does not just apply to others, it also applies to you.
Step one in living a lifestyle that allows for healthy relationships: simply taking the time to love yourself. Know your worthiness as a daughter of the King. Have the courage to show up in your relationships and to be heard and to be seen. Take patience and compassion with yourself. Because you are valuable. God loves you as you are, and as you could be. Who are you to disagree with him and declare that you’re unworthy of love?
1 Corinthians 13:4 says “Love is patient, love is kind.” In the past I had always read this as a guideline to my relationships with others, particularly romantic relationships. But after reading up on Brene’s research, I look at that verse differently. It should be applied in all relationships, yes, but especially the one I have with myself.
Vulnerability means knowing failure and rejection. Intimately. But courage means showing up when you can’t predict the outcome. But instead of accompanying failure and rejection with shame, accompany it with the kindness to be patient, and the patience to be kind with yourself.
To live in authentic vulnerability, to dare greatly, does not mean to live without rejection and fear, but to live in spite of that rejection and fear. To have healthy relationships, one must first strive to have a healthy, loving relationship with themself. That’s not just a suggestion, or an opinion, it is fact. The research is there, the studies have been done.
It’s time to love yourself. I must be kind with myself, and I must be patient with myself. Simply because that is a boundary the Lord has given to me: to look at myself the way he looks at me, and to talk to myself the way he talks to me.
Where to go from here? Easy answer: go to the Lord. “Dear Jesus, thank you for giving me the courage to show up and be seen.” “Dear Jesus, please give me the courage to be vulnerable today.” “Dear Jesus, please bless my relationships with vulnerable trust.” “Dear Jesus, help me to look at myself as you look at me.”
Jesus wants us to be happy. So take a breath, say a prayer, and walk on with vulnerability and courage.
