When God Says No
By Thandi Chindove
Our Father, the vinedresser
I have petitioned God for many things over the years, and I have often been disappointed. One of my greatest pains is that I am in my late twenties and I have never had a full-time job. People around me talk about how talented I am but, without something tangible like a job to prove it, their words sound like empty compliments.
I have prayed countless rosaries and novenas without receiving the answer I desired. St. Teresa of Avila is known for saying, “More tears are shed over answered prayers than over unanswered prayers.” I started to internalise my disappointment in this area, losing trust in my own abilities, and in God, because I couldn’t seem to succeed at what I wanted. The pain of God being a good father who, at times, says no to our prayers can be excruciating.
As a Father, He is there to mend our hearts when they break, holding us close afterwards and applying the ointment to our wounds, changing the dressing until we heal. But God is also the vinedresser, and He must also be the one to do the breaking and the pruning of our hearts.
His personal response
Even in the denying of our desires, or perhaps simply redirecting them, God knows us so intimately that He denies us in a way that is personal. He knows what each of us can bear in a single moment and designs his ‘no’ accordingly, even though it may feel like the most impersonal thing in the world.
My mind goes back to times when I held onto a desire that was not meant for me. God listened to my prayers, as I pleaded for and rationalised what I wanted from Him. If I had listened for His response I would have heard his reply, but I have often believed that I can force situations to go my way. In answer to this attitude, God allowed me to try until a door slammed in my face and I realised that I had been wrong all along. By then, I was ready to admit that I misjudged and what I thought was meant for me actually wasn’t. When I finally turned around, He was still there waiting to embrace me.
The times that God said ‘no’ have made me realise how gentle he is. He will not always spare us from the pain of denial, but He always remains close by. By virtue of this closeness, I know that He is worthy of my trust––He is a safe place for my tears and fears together with my hopes and dreams.
What makes this relationship so powerful is that God understands what it means to be human. Jesus experienced the pain of disappointment, so when I look to Him with my unmet desires I know the feeling is not foreign to Him. By inviting Him into this suffering, He is able to accompany me on the journey to cultivating trust after disappointment––something that requires us to acknowledge that unmet desires, dashed dreams, and failed aspirations cause pain, even if they are what’s best for us.
Trust after denial
The Lord is gentle as He puts me back together again. In these moments, there is no rush––true healing must be given the time it requires. I feel Him watching over me, allowing me to rest in His embrace, while I learn to trust again.
A life of faith calls us to trust. In Hebrews 11:1, we’re told that “Faith is the realization of what is hoped for and evidence of things not seen.” The lack of realisation of a prayer or a loss of trust can deeply affect our relationship with God and ourselves. Here, it is important to remember that the ‘no’ may actually be a ‘not now’ or a ‘yes’ shaped differently than we may expect. True faith means being open to the will of God in our lives and believing that ‘no’ is not the final answer. Our perspective is restricted, but He sees the full picture and knows what is best in the long term.
I have found that a prayer for a job may not be answered as I expect but God has always provided in ways I only retrospectively realise. Through opportunities to travel, volunteer, and develop financial responsibility, He taught me to receive from others when they offer to pay for lunch or offer words of affirmation when I begin to doubt myself. While my eyes were focused on one thing, God had been watering other areas in my life so that they would bear fruit. A ‘no’ in prayer does not mean that he leaves us stranded because, even then, He is still working tirelessly in our lives to give us good things.
Surrender and acceptance
For some of us, 2020 and the years before carried many answered prayers that brought more tears than praise. Recovery from these disappointments requires acceptance and surrender. We must accept the will of God and surrender our hopes to Him with the belief that they are as precious to Him as they are to us.
Trust in God is built in the quiet and the stillness, when we move from one moment to the next, trusting in His will instead of our own. A ‘no’ in prayer is not a sign of failure, rejection, or neglect––it is always a promise for something more. That something can be visible and breathtaking, but it can also be invisible and unknown; even so, surrender comes from trusting He is there, drawing us close to His chest.
When we allow God to prune our hearts and dress our wounds, we are better able to receive the peace He promised to us. If we can be reconciled to Him and to the broken parts of ourselves in the wake of seemingly unanswered prayers, then joy will become even more available to us.
There will be many more prayers with disappointing answers in our lives, the challenge is to remember these moments of denial where God held us close. Commit them to memory so that when you find yourself in the depths of disappointment you will know that you’re not alone and you never have been. The crucified King is there with His hand outstretched, ready to lead us back to the light, if only we let Him.
