An Interior Movement of the Heart
By Jenna Kandas
The Sacrament of Confession is a comprehensive look at the drama of humanity. I don’t mean drama in the sense of what I encountered in high school, but in the sense of this beautiful story of human life being played out before our very eyes. Each of us plays a role in this story of Salvation history and preparing for Confession recenters us on that reality. More than just confessing our sins to a priest, Confession allows each of us to reconcile ourselves to the Church and our community; the same Church and community who were hurt due to our sinful ways. Since man was made for community, it’s no wonder that it feels as if a weight has been lifted once we leave the confessional.
While I wholeheartedly agree with the sentiment I just shared, I must admit that I struggle with desiring to go to Confession. As good, beautiful and healing as I intellectually understand the sacrament to be, I always have to drag myself there. Of course, I have never once regretted going after the fact, but the struggle to actually get there is real.
Maybe it’s just me but I feel an internal pressure to have the perfect confession; to make sure I have accounted for every. single. one. of my sins - because what if I forget one?!? Or did I confess this last time? Better say it again to be sure. To properly prepare and go into the confessional with a sober contrite heart, open to making amends, seems daunting.
Ultimately, the purpose of Confession is conversion of the heart, interior conversion and reconciliation to God and His Church. The Catechism of the Catholic Church defines this interior conversion as
“a radical reorientation of our whole life, a return, a conversion to God with all our heart, an end of sin, a turning away from evil, with repugnance toward the evil actions we have committed. At the same time it entails the desire and resolution to change one's life, with hope in God's mercy and trust in the help of his grace. This conversion of heart is accompanied by a salutary pain and sadness which the Fathers called animi cruciatus (affliction of spirit) and compunctio cordis (repentance of heart)” (1431).
The Catechism goes on to explain that the “human heart is heavy and hardened. God must give man a new heart” (1432). Um, yes! This is totally my experience. My hardened heart does not want me to go to Confession because self-reflection is never easy.
So, while I intellectually understand the beauty that Confession provides, I lack the desire to seek it because my heart is hardened to looking interiorly, objectively surveying my motives and actions, and then moving towards making reparations for my sins. We live in a fallen world and so I think it’s hard to WANT to go to confession. I’ve never met anyone who was like “I’m SO excited to go to confession. I WANT to relive all my past regressions as I relay them to the priest acting in persona Christi.”
Beyond my over exaggeration, I’d like to propose that even if we are dragging ourselves there, the grace is waiting. Ultimately if we are seeking reconciliation with God then we will find His mercy; He’s not going to deny it to us. We must put forth the effort and the grace will be extended to us. It’s not about a checking off an item on our to do list, as rewarding as that is; it’s about deepening our relationship with God, strengthening our resolve as disciples of Christ and constantly seeking to repair and healthily maintain relationships around us, in order to fulfill our role in the plan of Salvation. May our hearts be moved by each encounter with the Author of Salvation History.
