Celebrating Chastity: Promoting a Positive Culture
By Odelia Mathews
“What is chastity?” I can’t count the number of times I’ve been asked this question by young children and teenagers who have grappled with the meaning and depth of the word. Simply put, it means purity of heart, mind, body, and soul. The Catechism of the Catholic Church says,
Chastity means the successful integration of sexuality within the person and thus the inner unity of man in his bodily and spiritual being. Sexuality, in which man's belonging to the bodily and biological world is expressed, becomes personal and truly human when it is integrated into the relationship of one person to another, in the complete and lifelong mutual gift of a man and a woman (2337).
To young people who are exploring their own understanding of sexuality, relationships, love and identity, the very thought of being chaste is near impossible due to the over-sexualization of culture in present times. As teenagers grow into young adults, this virtue of chastity is challenged by society through the media, progressive cultures and lifestyles, and social circles where both the concept of purity and the state of virginity are mocked, while promiscuity is considered normal and even attractive. What this has created is a growing interest in the sensationalism of sex, irrespective of the situation, want, or need, thereby raising the question: is it possible to celebrate chastity in a cross-cultural context where casual or meaningless sexual experiences are glorified?
The Challenge of Chastity
When it comes to celebrating chastity, the challenges can be overwhelming. Firstly, apart from being surrounded by an over-sexualized, hook-up culture, there is peer pressure and herd-mentality that encourages changing beliefs in order to fit-in. Secondly, while casual sex can be pleasurable, it is not proven to bring the same joy and lasting emotional and spiritual fulfilment that marital sex does, hence saving sex for marriage can seem to defy the odds for obtaining instant self-gratification. Thirdly, the misconception that chastity is solely related to abstinence from sex is often the main reason why many people don’t see it as a virtue that is desirable.
The Catechism explains the vocation to chastity as a moral virtue; a gift from God, a grace and fruit of spiritual effort (2345). Accordingly, from the moment of baptism, every Christian is called to lead their life in chastity in relation to the sixth commandment which encompasses the whole of human sexuality; chastity falls under the cardinal virtue of temperance which seeks to permeate the passions and appetites of the senses with reason (2348, 2341). It’s important to note that chastity is not a virtue that is lost if one has been sexually active outside of marriage. The virtue of chastity is a lifelong commitment that requires patience, forgiveness, and the courage to begin again. Unlike celibacy––the state of voluntarily being unmarried, sexually abstinent, or both, for religious or personal reasons––chastity involves the integrity of the person and includes self-mastery which is a continual training in human freedom (2339).
“Because we are constantly exposed to counterfeit versions of love, we’ve forgotten our purpose and God’s plan for our lives,” explains 23-year-old Michelle Kokatnur, a young Catholic woman who is cognizant of how upholding the Catholic value of chastity can be a challenge for many young women. “There are many women who loathe the hook-up culture but continue to live within it just to feel accepted. More often than not, those who do not participate in such a culture tend to feel alienated or are deemed unadventurous,” she explains adding that ‘virgin shaming’––the act of mocking someone for being chaste––has become a fairly acceptable form of veiled religious bigotry. The problem with this behavior is that it isn’t discussed or confronted for fear of being ostracized.
Virgin shaming isn’t solely related to women, either. It also extends to men who are ridiculed for their choice to save sex for marriage, as highlighted in a 2019 article in The Washington Post. Lisa Bonos reports that, “virginity is cast as a red flag or an ‘obstacle to overcome,’ shedding light on how former contestants have endured the painful experience of having to explain and defend their personal decisions on entertainment shows such as ABC’s, The Bachelor.
Culture & Self-Integrity
In recent times, life coaches and gurus like Jay Shetty and Sadhguru, are becoming well-known for their uninhibited attitude in promoting a higher level of self-awareness for successful and fulfilling relationships. Even though they do not take on a faith-based approach to sexuality, they advocate for the integrity of self, including practicing self-restraint from casual sexual encounters in support of self-mastery and deeper connections. Although self-mastery in love and relationships has been spoken about more over the years, chastity remains the hidden gem in all of these conversations. Chastity is often only spoken of in terms of sexual activeness without understanding the context of dignity for oneself or another and conscious self-mastery where free choice is exercised for the greater good.
Emily Wilson, author, speaker, YouTuber, and musician, discusses sexuality and chastity in the Catholic faith in terms of similar challenges she overcame with perseverance and fortitude while living in a discouraging secular world. In a candid blog post about holding on to the virtue of chastity, Wilson says, “Whatever the rationale behind the choice, it is a challenging journey filled with tough decisions, hard conversations, and plenty of snide commentary and patronizing remarks.”
When it comes to taking a personal stand regarding one’s sexual freedom, hook-up culture and peer pressure do not make the choice any easier. Yet choosing chastity is precisely more desirable than these lifestyles because it is a virtue that is centered around the divine, selfless nature of love.
The Value of the Body & the Conscience
Our bodies belong only to God, not ourselves, because the Spirit of God is dwelling in each of us (1 Cor. 6:19). When young people forget the value and importance of their bodies, made in the image and likeness of God, they can fall from a state of grace and use their bodies for pleasure, while associating little meaning to it, either in thought, word, or deed.
Saint John Paul II’s teachings on the Theology of the Body helps to tie the concept of chastity and love together since both are interconnected:
Alone man does not completely realize this essence [of being a person]. He realizes it only by existing ‘with someone’––and even more deeply and completely––by existing ‘for someone’… The human body includes right from the beginning, the capacity of expressing love, that love in which the person becomes a gift––and by means of this gift––fulfills the meaning of his being and existence (TOB Jan 16, 1980).
Sexual love is fully realized when it is not something that is consumed for a passing moment in time but given freely for a lifetime. Similar to Christ’s love for us on the cross, which was given freely, sex within marriage is rooted in a sense of selfless sacrifice where a man and a woman give themselves freely to each other, offering themselves up for the good of their spouse.
When it comes to cultivating a mindful lifestyle that respects and sustains this form of love, using prudence with one’s conscience may make chastity more easily achievable. In their book for women, How to Find Your Soulmate Without Losing Your Soul, Jason and Crystalina Evert say that the voice of conscience is important for the woman striving for chastity: “When women begin to doubt or ignore the voice of their conscience, they become their own worst enemies. They then even wonder why love seems so elusive.” It is for this very reason that the virtue of chastity is all the more important for today’s youth who are besotted with the idea of romance, yet find themselves lonely. In loving one another with self-control and selflessness, we refrain from using and abusing our bodies (and that of others), enabling the formation of healthy relationships based upon recalling the dignity of each person as God’s son or daughter.
Pushing for Dialogue & Change
To avoid falling into a trap of doubt and self-denial, it is important that, as a society, we celebrate that which is precious and treasured as a wholesome quality of love. Savio Dcosta, a youth teen catechist who has been teaching for the last 23 years, says the subject of chastity is one that is often not talked about by teenagers because they aren’t comfortable discussing it in their peer groups. He believes that there is a dilution of the message once people are exposed to the world outside Catholicism. He says, “Regular people can catechize young adults in simple ways by opening doors to communicate freely on the subject. It can’t be done in a fixed setting.”
This opens a window of opportunity for anyone to speak up for chastity, despite the challenges they have or may face; young people need to hear the message more frequently, given the lack of advocacy for it. Here are four ways that anyone can help to promote a celebratory culture of chastity and purity.
Encourage Dialogue: One way of challenging the status quo is by encouraging dialogue among young adults on the subject of chastity as early as 13 years. This helps them to remember that they are created with dignity and normalize the topic.
Find Faithful Friends: Another surefire way to celebrate chastity goals is to find faithful friends who are pursuing chastity as well. Do not be afraid to pick your tribe, because doing so will help determine the kind of path you choose. If you know someone who is struggling with chastity, encourage them to find a group of friends who think alike, or become the friend that they need.
Celebrate Chastity: Similar to celebrating a birthday or a milestone in life, celebrating chastity, based on an individual’s particular state of life, ought to be marked as a celebration of self-mastery and the conscious self-control of passions and pleasures. To remain chaste––when single, dating, or married––is not easy; affirming and celebrating this commitment, with the support of friends or family, is essential for the will-power to go on. Consider marking a chastity anniversary where you celebrate each year as a success towards your commitment and celebrate it with friends who are on the same journey.
Educate Yourself: It is important to find the right resources to help you deal with your past, present, and future endeavors for chastity. A great place to begin with is blogs and websites that build on community and faith. To recover from a traumatic past, try Women Made New and explore the Church’s teaching on love and sexuality as outlined by the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB). Another excellent resource is The Theology of the Body Institute and its various programs. If you prefer a podcast, tune in to Christopher & Wendy West to hear more about faith, life, love, and sexuality in light of John Paul II's Theology of the Body.
Remember to take chastity one day at a time and give yourself the chance to understand, question, evaluate, and reason with the dialogue of your conscience. Chastity is more about understanding that our quest for love, sexual fulfillment, and relationships has deeper meaning than just satisfying our bodies––they have a spiritual purpose too. When we celebrate chastity, we can respect each other’s dignity and support one another, while building a community that transcends cultural differences, so that sex is once again accepted as sacred and divine, regardless of culture or creed.
