Dear Bride
Dear Bride,
Your wedding day is almost here! Hopefully everything you wanted to get done is already done, and now you can just patiently wait for the day to arrive. If not, that’s okay too. As I was told, “if it gets done, it gets done! If not, then it doesn’t.” Not super encouraging, maybe, but hopefully calms some anxieties. As long as you, your groom, officiant, rings, vows, marriage license, and some witnesses are there, the rest doesn’t really matter in the end. Of course, it's not bad to want your wedding to be beautiful and "you," but it will be, no matter which color of napkins you choose, or if your emcee doesn't know how to narrate the "married couple dance," or even if your florist forgets a bouquet to give away. You’ll still be married.
You’re about to be married!! Take a minute to just sit with that. If life is hectic right now, take a minute in silence just to think about you and your groom (your relationship, NOT your wedding.) Then take whatever you're feeling to God.
Just breathe.
Your journey is your own, it’s as unique as the two of you. Preparing for your wedding and marriage may feel like you’ve been running a marathon, but you’ve really been in training and are about to start your lifelong race together. Your wedding is not the finish line; Heaven is. Time may fly by, or it may slow to a crawl, but right now you’re standing at the starting line with your partner, in this together, come rain or shine. There will be times when one of you is tired, worn down, needs to rest, or even feels like giving up on something, but the other will be there to hold his or her spouse up, to be a listening ear, to encourage, support, to give a hug, food, beverage, or space, or just sit and be present in his or her time of difficulty (okay, my metaphor is stretched a bit.) But when one of you celebrates, the other does too! A perspective I really like is the song "Tuesdays" by Jake Scott. Marriage is also the uneventful, forgettable stretches of time along the way. That's okay, too.
That’s the beauty of marriage between two individuals who are consciously committing to the other for the rest of their lives. There is a new level of vulnerability that comes from knowing you can't scare off your spouse by voicing a fear or dream or concern. There is no giving up, or worrying that your spouse will give up. You are a team, and every conflict or obstacle is not the other person, but something you face together.
My mom once told me this and I’ve thought about it often since: “Marriage is not about giving 50/50. You have to try to give 100%, no matter how much your spouse seems to be giving.” Marriage is not always fair or equal, but neither is any team effort. The difference is, you're on this team for life. Nothing is irredeemable as long as you are both united in love and share the goal of holiness; with the right mindset, you can come back from anything that's said or done. Of course, that doesn’t mean you should stop striving to love him in each and every word and action. A difficult but necessary teaching comes from Ephesians 5:21-32; the crucial part being, "I speak in reference to Christ and the church." The Lover of our souls gave literally everything for us and to us, out of love, without promise or hope of repayment or gratification. That is how we are called to love our spouses.
(Please note: this is broad advice directed to healthy, non-abusive relationships. I encourage you speak to a priest regarding questions or concerns having to do with divorce, annulments, and specific challenges you are facing in engagement or marriage.)
In the Catholic Church, marriage is one of three different vocations (the others being religious life or consecrated singlehood.) It’s a calling from God, one for which he equips us and through which we can become holy. At times, it feels more as if he’s refining us in fire than guiding us through verdant pastures, but the result of refinement is a beautiful, priceless treasure. When you marry your husband, you are accepting your cross. Maybe your spouse will be like Simon, carrying the cross alongside you. Or, maybe your spouse is your cross, by which you are sanctified. Either way, we can look to saints like Zelie and Louis Martin, and Blessed Luigi and Maria Beltrame Quattrocchi, who allowed their ordinary marriages to bring about extraordinary holiness.
(I digress) It’s curious to me that the term “vocation” has been adapted within modern times to mean “career.” Your marriage, as I’m sure you’re already expecting and planning, should be your second priority in life, coming only after God, and before everything else, including children. Decisions about careers (including home-making) should be made based on the needs of your marriage and family, not the other way around. Still, sometimes it's easier said than done. In a world which doesn’t often view marriage from a Godly perspective, it can be hard to be proud of being a wife, or of being a mother. In a world where women can be anything they want to be, "a wife" or "a mother" is not often on the list. But a career doesn’t usually have the end goal of heaven in most cases. That’s your goal, your calling, your vocation, your responsibility, with your groom.
Be the reason he is welcomed into Paradise. In all the ways which are unique and beautifully feminine, walk together to the Wedding Feast. Love him to Heaven! Through your receptivity with an open heart and mind, your sensitivity in emotions and connections with others, your generosity in sharing your time, talents treasure, and love, and your maternity of spiritual and biological nurturing, love him to Heaven. Through loving and nurturing and caring and sacrificing for and supporting and challenging him as only a woman, as only you can, love him to Heaven. Allow yourself to love him, to be loved by him, to be his be-loved, as long as you walk on earth.
Since love is not without sacrifice, you are likely to face a number of challenges within your marriage, but my hope and prayer for you is that most of your joys come from your marriage as well. I wholeheartedly believe that we create our soulmates. I believe God allows us to use our free will to choose a husband who can become our soulmate, merging two souls into one through a lifetime of pursuing unity. This begins with your vows, your “I do”s, your public promise to God and the world that you will love this man freely (voluntarily and without coercion), totally (completely for all that you both are and will be), fruitfully (growing in union and welcoming any children you are blessed with), and faithfully (forsaking all others.) These are the pillars of a Catholic marriage, and part of the reason you are asked “The Questions before the Consent.” You are choosing to love your groom and only your groom, through all the good and bad that will come, to create a home, to create a family.
Like the song "I choose you" by Andy Grammer, you are choosing to love him with each “good morning,” and every “good night,” through all the dishes and meals and laundry, though your body and your mind and your soul. Every day, even every hour or every minute, is a new opportunity to choose to love him, and to choose to be loved. There is always another moment to choose "I do."
On that note, something I have been learning about since being married is chastity. We often think about it in terms of virginity, of abstinence and modesty, of chastity belts and purity rings, of “how far is too far” before marriage, of where the physical or emotional boundaries are so you can save yourself for a husband. It may have good intentions, but that’s not the design God had in mind at all for love or sexuality. Chastity is not just for celibate virgins who have not had sex and /or never will, but for everyone in all walks of life, throughout their life.
Chastity is a virtue intended to guide us in loving each other well by desiring what is truly good for the other person. Love is inherently oriented towards what is good, true, and beautiful.
If we have been focused on toeing an invisible line before marriage, we may have a hard time after the wedding, either before or after the marriage is consummated. This mindset may lead to withholding intimacy, guilt, or anxiety because it still feels “wrong.” Now, maybe this isn’t helpful, or maybe this is “too little, too late.” But, sex is not “bad” before marriage, and suddenly “good” after you say your vows. Rather, like receiving the Eucharist, sex is a gift best received after having made a holy covenant.
Practically speaking, for love and sex to be healthy, even holy, you have to figure out what you are comfortable with, both as an individual woman and as a couple, and what you are not comfortable with. Creativity in expressing intimacy is always a great idea, but if something is not respectful or causes you to break any part of your marital vows, consider it again. If you are still asking where the line is, or "what's okay to do," one or both of you are likely to be frustrated or holding yourself back.
The option I argue is better for deciding what’s on the table (or on the bed wink… ) is to ask yourselves and each other this: “What is most loving towards myself and my spouse? What is good for our marriage? What holds true to the beautiful designs God has for marriage and sex? How can I love my spouse more/better?” You both deserve to feel completely safe and loved when you are experiencing any intimacy and vulnerability, but most especially during the marital act.
You’ve probably already thought about most of what I just wrote if your marriage is getting close, in which case I am happy to be a broken record! However, it’s impossible to predict and prepare for all potential aspects of marriage, and that’s where faith and community comes into play; that’s why you have a wedding party! Being married in the Body of Christ means you are never alone in this journey to the Wedding Feast.
There will be bumps ahead (speaking from experience), even as you adjust to living together and experiencing life together in a new way than you have so far because of the amazing bond commitment brings. But, your families and friends will be there to support and encourage you in this beautiful vocation.
And so, having finished reading this letter, you’re that much closer to the wedding day! You’re welcome for the brief distraction.
Lord, I pray over Your daughter preparing to answer Your call and become a bride. You love her so fully, for who she is in this moment, and for who she will become. I pray for peace as her wedding day approaches, that she would feel the presence of Your Holy Spirit as she and her groom walk towards Love, towards You. May her anxieties be relieved, placed upon Your capable shoulders and replaced with Your easy and light burden. Grant that her unique gift of femininity be made manifest throughout her wedding and marriage. If she has any doubts of her worthiness, Lord, I ask that you banish them from her heart. Create in her a soft and safe place for her groom’s vulnerability. Father, I pray that she and her groom would both appreciate the worth and belovedness You speak over her, and ask that you teach her to accept the love her groom freely offers.
Lord, I pray over Your son preparing to answer Your call and become her groom. You love him so fully for who he is in this moment, and for who he will become. Grant him the strength needed to follow Your example of Love, that he would lay down his life for his bride. I pray that as their love grows, he would courageously entrust his heart to his bride, and that she would be the flesh of his flesh, and bone of his bones. O Jesus, may the Immaculate Heart of Mary and most Chaste Heart of Joseph guide them ever closer to unity with Your most Sacred Heart. Amen.
Love, your sister in Christ,
Becca
