Engagement: Is it What You Thought it Would Be?
By Pauline Gilmore
I wake up every day now with a ring on my finger (or placed in a box beside my bed) and the startling, incredible reality that I am no longer Kyle’s girlfriend, but his fiancée. I am going to be his wife.
I knew there would be an expiration date on my “girlfriend” status, but I was uncertain as to when it would be. A surprise proposal on October 1st, St. Therese’s feast day, was all that I dared to hope for and more. Now that we have a date set for our wedding, I know exactly when the expiration date for my new title (fiancée) and current life-status (engaged) will end. I know precisely how many more nights I will sleep and wake up alone in my childhood bed in my parents’ house—161, to be exact.
Does it feel how I thought it would feel?
I think the best answer is, no. I always thought that I would be or feel older; that I would be, or would feel, ready. Today, I am neither of those things.
A few years ago, I discovered a secret as I was preparing to graduate college and enter into the workforce: nobody actually knows what they are doing. Adulthood as viewed in the eyes of children is a secret joke, a surprise that they too will get to learn and share in one day. None of us are ready or have a clue what we are doing, because we are all children in the Father’s house.
Even though I am doing all the appropriate things—buying a dress, putting together a guest list, looking at Airbnbs for where to take a honeymoon—I still do not feel “ready” or like I actually know what I am doing. My fiancée is older and has more life experience than I do (and more money! Thanks, dear). He is better at these things than I am when it comes to planning and budgeting. He’s also years ahead of me when it comes to praying and maintaining peace in the process of discernment and preparation. But I see him and I know that, at the end of the day, he has not done this before either. We are both making mistakes and figuring it out as we go. The happy thing is, we’re here to support one another and to figure this out together—not just the plans for the wedding day itself, but married life as a whole.
As the awareness of not being ready increases, the devil tries to creep in and make this a source of anxiety. His tricks are never new, and the attacks on our relationship only further prove to me what a sacred and holy union this marriage will be. When the doubtful, creeping thoughts come—“You’ll never be able to afford a wedding,” etc.––I make a choice to “laugh without fear of the future” (see Proverbs 31:25). I make a bold proclamation of hope, “Not knowing what tomorrow brings is an invitation to lean on you, Jesus. Jesus, I trust in you.” There is joyful surrender, trust, hope, and childlike abandonment in the Father’s arms.
Kyle did not choose me because I am ready. He does not love me for the money that I do or do not have. He does not expect me to be an expert on flowers, caterers, or any other form of wedding planning. He does, however, affirm that I will be a good wife, and he loves me unconditionally, as I am.
Whether or not I have any of the things that the world tells me are necessary for a wedding day, it does not concern me. All I want or hope for now in this earthly life is to be with Kyle all the days of my life. I pray, with the Lord’s help, that we might not lose sight of our mission or of each other as we journey towards the altar and become husband and wife.
