Fearing Motherhood
By Hannah Graham
As the years go on, more and more young women are growing up in a cultural age that is instilling in them a fear motherhood. For those who wish to pursue passions or careers that lie outside of the realm of motherhood, there is an underlying fear that children will ultimately hold them back. This is not necessarily every woman’s experience, but with modern culture rooting for women to “have it all”, careers and children that is, the growing pressure to fulfill two seemingly conflicting desires leaves many women unsure of how to merge them successfully. It seems the solution can only be found in upholding the objective good of both these pursuits while overcoming the interior divide women face with a renewed understanding of sacrifice and radical surrender.
While working women is not a new concept, the value and respect surrounding women in the workforce has grown tremendously. This has provided for more opportunities in the workforce for women which is to be applauded and pursued, if so desired. While this is truly empowering progress, it has developed into a complicated cultural pressure that upholds careers for women and consequently portrays children as obstacles to one’s professional and personal goals. Combined with the increased availability and acceptance of both birth control and abortion, Americans are able to reject any children they believe to be an inconvenience. This could be one of the reasons American birth rates are at the lowest they have been in 32 years. In the New York Times article, “Americans Are Having Fewer Babies. They Told Us Why,” it is stated that, for young adults, “One of the biggest factors [for avoiding children] was personal: having no desire for children and wanting more leisure time, a pattern that has also shown up in social science research.” This kind of cultural attitude is altogether eliminating any inclination for children for fear of how demanding they are on the life of the parent.
Because of this, many young women face the odd task of reconciling being called to motherhood, yet fearing the ways a child may impact their life and even finding themselves with a lack of desire for children because of it. It makes young, ambitious women believe they can’t receive the gift of a child without giving away part of their freedom. This fear is a difficult thing to overcome. It warrants a true evaluation of the motives of the heart and time spent in prayer in order to understand why those fears are even there. Ultimately, though, it requires overcoming what the world believes of children: they’re an option, a commodity, controllable, a burden— everything that’s not a gift.
If you’re not a woman who has wanted to be a stay at home mom her whole life, you might be struggling with these beliefs too. For a long time I wrestled with these conflicting feelings as well. I got married during my senior year of college and not soon after we found ourselves expecting, despite my hope to avoid a child for a couple years at least. Not having entered into my field, I questioned if I should stay at home, work, or do both somehow. I began to wrestle with many lies about both children and motherhood: I worried that being a stay at home mom was the only way to be a good mom; I wondered if I would ever have time to pursue a career, build my resume, or go to grad school; and I believed that having this baby would limit me in every possible way. Since I knew being a mother required so much selflessness, I thought that required letting go of many of my desires.
For the majority of the pregnancy, and for some time after, I had to work through these questions to understand how they came to be and whether or not they were lies. I found myself questioning why God would want this to happen but still give me the desire to have professional and personal pursuits. During that uncertain period I spoke with both younger and older women who struggled with this experience and I was astounded at how many shared the same thoughts that I had. For women who had these same concerns or even a lack of desire for children, they were struggling to find an answer. We all were genuinely grappling with God, the way he made our hearts, and what he was calling us to do with our lives.
Ultimately, what I found in my experience was that the messages of the culture and the fears they produce prevent women from seeing the larger picture, one of both sacrifice and surrender. As Christians, we know we are not called to a life of ease or self gratitude; motherhood (and parenthood in general) requires genuine sacrifice. The problem remains, however, that society has forgotten the real good of a child, emphasizing the demands they create over any joy they bring. Conversely, careers and academia are upheld as something that fulfills modern women despite the reality they also demand sacrifices such as a lack of availability to others and long, sometimes grueling, hours. The truth is, children do demand some of a mother’s freedom, this is truly inevitable and it is an integral part of the responsibility of parenthood. Yet, why is this only painted in a negative light? All of our relationships demand something of us, as well as our professional pursuits, asking that we give something of ourselves to them. The sacrifices these calls may require are for the greater good we are pursuing, be that a baby or the use of our talents. It is a pouring of our soul into something we love, nurturing it to become greater than when it began.
In reality, children aren’t the problem, cultural attitudes and a fear of sacrifice is; the solution is ultimately found in an openness to sacrifice and a reordering of life according to the will of God. Sacrifice always requires something of us but that does not negate the beauty of that which we are sacrificing for. When we reorient our hearts to recognize that the demands of a child is something to be welcomed—as with other pursuits that take time, effort, and attention—we can begin to overcome the skewed perspective society projects for these states of life, allowing ourselves to be surprised by joy instead.
However, even with an understanding that children are a gift worth sacrificing for, what remains difficult is the interior divide women face between devoting time to their children and to their professional pursuits. Unfortunately, the conflict women experience in trying to “have it all” in this way will probably never end because of the desire to pursue these things with complete dedication. Professor Elizabeth Corey of Baylor University expands on this conflict in her essay “No Happy Harmony” featured in First Things:
Both the ethical imperatives I’ve described—“must work” and “must stay at home”—reflect noble desires, the one for talents fully used and the other for the vocation of motherhood. But I worry that both are too often promoted ideologically, prescribed as answers to the anxieties young women naturally feel about what they should do. This problem is especially pressing for those high-achieving college students I have been describing, who cannot imagine doing anything—be it career or motherhood—halfheartedly (emphasis added).
Corey identifies the true difficulty of how children impact a woman’s life if she still wants to pursue her professional or personal talents: interior division. When children arrive, women are no longer focused solely on their professional field since they have small souls to care for as well. However you approach these roles, it is difficult to maintain both perfectly because having one of those paths requires sacrificing for another, if only for a short period of staying at home or leaving the house for a few hours of professional work. This doesn’t mean women should refrain from having children, nor that women are lesser mothers if they pursue careers as well, since God gives people multiple callings and all of these calls are objectively good. Rather, it means we must accept there is no perfect answer for that division— it is difficult to give fully to both of these things and not feel selfish or distracted in the pursuit of one over the other. Thus, if one desires to be a mother and pursue a career, or anything else that takes away significant time at home, it must be recognized that there is no solution to the guilt or division this lifestyle may generate.
In the face of this divide, though, there is one great consolation: the Father’s will. Despite any trepedacions about children or motherhood, peace can only be found in the will of God. It may be difficult to discern but, ultimately, the Lord desires your holiness. It is a lie to believe that God’s plan for you is limited to only one calling. For women, this can simultaneously (and often does) include the call to use your gifts as well as the call to motherhood. These two things are not only capable of coexisting but often inform one another with knowledge gained from the other role. That being said, this is particularly unique to the individual woman and her family. It is impossible to concretely say what will work for one mother versus another. Some want or are compelled to work full time, others are happy staying at home with their children, while some may be satisfied somewhere in between. Women should pursue the call to work if God places it in their hearts, likewise they should be open to the children God may intend to bring through them even if they do have a career. Pope Saint John Paul II affirms both of these indispensable callings:
In order to respect this natural order of things, it is necessary to counter the misconception that the role of motherhood is oppressive to women, and that a commitment to her family, particularly to her children, prevents a woman from reaching personal fulfilment, and women as a whole from having an influence in society…
Profound changes are needed in the attitudes and organization of society in order to facilitate the participation of women in public life, while at the same time providing for the special obligations of women and of men with regard to their families (Letter of His Holiness John Paul II to Mrs. Gertrude Mongella Secretary General of the Fourth World Conference On Women Of The United Nations).
Not only does the pope acknowledge the value of women in society as participants and as mothers, he calls for a change in the way we treat these things by acknowledging that mothers have particular obligations to their families. He argues that personal fulfillment can be found in motherhood, but mothers should be able to pursue other roles in society as well. Rather than say women must be one thing or another, he states the responsibility society has on making it easier for women to fulfill both of these roles if they so desire.
As women, we would do well not to limit ourselves to our expectations or society’s; instead, we must rest in the peace of following God’s will either as mothers, workers, or both. Sometimes this means waiting on motherhood or waiting on a career. You don’t have to do it all at once, as someone lovingly reminded me, simply be holy. In this way, women are able to give themselves fully to one thing, the will of God, even if they feel divided amidst the unique callings they have. Imagine if St. Gianna Beretta Molla never pursued the call to be a doctor and the patients she would not have healed due to that choice; likewise, imagine if she had limited the Lord and refused to receive the children he intended because of her career. Both of these imaginary realities would have been great tragedies for humanity. How did Gianna manage to “have it all”? We have to look no further than she surrendered to the will of God.
Do not limit the Lord because of cultural fear— give him the power to raise you up as a mother and a worker in whatever ways he desires those things to be manifested. Present your desires to the Lord and listen to the calls he places on your heart, he put them there for a reason. Let him use your talents for greatness and holiness, in raising saints or in impacting lives.
I write this to you as a 24 year old married woman who has a 16 month old son and is expecting a daughter any day now. If you asked me if this is where I would be my freshman year of college, I would have stubbornly said no. I wanted to wait to get married or have kids until I was well past 25, I had a career to pursue you know. The thing is, while I am a mom to two, I am also an editor at a non-profit, a contributor here at theYCW, and I submit elsewhere whenever I can. I still invest in my friendships, go out on the town with my husband, and I even lead a women’s group once a month. I’m still pursuing the things I have passion for, since God gave me those interests for a purpose. Does it look different than I thought it would? Absolutely. But by following God’s will I get to do all these things and be a mom to the most amazing little boy I have ever met. My life, heart, and talents have been greatly enhanced because of him.
A word of encouragement: It’s okay if you still fear the idea of having children after reading this. (Read that twice.) It’s not my job to change your heart, but God will transform it when he calls you to that role. It may be a difficult process at times but trust Him, he will make room in your heart for children. And someday, when you meet that little one, you’ll wonder why you were ever afraid in the first place.
