Tis The Season To Be Anxious
By Carolyn Shields
I’ve avoided writing about this forever. I hate talking, writing, thinking, admitting my anxiety, especially how debilitating it can be. I’m always worried I’ll be pegged as someone who’s fearful, timid, fragile or whatever, when in reality I’m…like, really normal. I can travel to Africa by myself or visit the underground Church in China and not think twice about it, but when it comes to showing up at my work’s Christmas party I keel over in panic.
And I know I’m not the only one who feels a little heightened anxiety this time of year.
This season invokes all the emotions: nostalgia, childlike wonder, and Hallmark-esque joy. And I get that and right there with you! But for some, it can feel a little extra lonely. I literally went to a Christmas parade by myself the other week and thought, “This has got to be one of the most loner things I’ve ever done.” (My mom couldn’t make it last minute). But for some who are physically lonely—with no or little friends, the elderly who can’t get out, or those who just lost a loved one, this season can be really hard.
It can also be difficult for people who suffer from anxiety, especially the chronic, nonsensical kind.
“Isn’t anxiety just like, depression?” my brother asked this weekend.
“No, it’s kind of like fear. Even though you’re entire being knows it’s irrational, you’re seized by it,” I said.
“Oh,” he laughed. “That’s lame.”
And I laughed with him. “It is.”
What I didn’t say though is that for some (or many?) of us, it can often lead to depression. We can beat ourselves up for letting nonsense get to us and override our reason. We can feel ashamed that our nerves got the better of us. We can easily tip into thinking, “No one probably even noticed I wasn’t even there,” which can quickly be reinforced if no one asks us where we were. Sometimes we tell a white lie to avoid saying that ugly “I had anxiety and decided not to come,” but that white lie makes us feel terrible. Our prayers can make a sharp right into the, “Lord, make me more brave. Can you make me stronger. Make me more not this.” And pretty quickly, you spiral into a depression.
I’ve loved the “Just show up” mantra that’s been trending this year because it reminds us that it’s one step at a time. Just show up, that’s it—but just showing up for some of us is the hardest part. Not the dodging rocks from our homeless friends in Philly. Not the being chased in a market in Uganda. Not the things that make sense to be scared about. It’s the random mirage of small talk with someone who seems bored with your conversation that makes anxiety suddenly rise up and paralyze us.
So for those with anxiety, all of the Christmas parties and New Years Eve happenings and special happy hours, this season can be hard for us too. It’s hard even when we muster up the courage to be there and it looks like we’re having an awesome time…because we are! We wanted to be there! We needed to be there! But to get there was exhausting and freaking hard.
So here’s how you can help those who may struggle with anxiety this season.
Helping Those With Anxiety This Season
Because it’s likely you won’t know who has anxiety (because, ahem, we can be crafty as to how we hide it), make an educated guess. Who is new in the office? Who hasn’t come in the past? Who seems hesitant to commit? Who’s new in town? (#JohnMulaney) Who’s just plain out shy? Who has even been open about their anxiety and seemingly in control of it? And help them over that hurdle of showing up.
Ask them more than once if they’re coming. Encourage them to bring a friend or to meet up beforehand. Send them a text and ask what they are wearing.
Next, at the party, keep an eye out for them. Greet them as soon as they come in. Introduce them to others and don’t abandon them the moment you say, “Hey, this is John. He works in communications too!” If you leave the room, tell them where you’re headed or ask if they want to join.
Helping Yourself This Season (And All Seasons)
I won’t go so far as to say anxiety has been a blessing in my life. It’s made it stupidly hard, especially when I worked as a campus minister and my job was to go into crowds of Ivy League teenagers significantly smarter than me and strike up small talk. But it has made me infinitely more aware of other’s discomfort, uneasiness, or hesitancies.
For my gals who are struggling with it too, here’s some simple things I’ve learned that have helped me through the years:
1) Host. It may sound odd, but in college I was always the one who brought people together and I loved it. I loved the planning, the details, the control, and because I was the one behind it all, it felt so much more comfortable. Plus, the showing up part was taken out of the anxiety bag because it was at my home!
2) Say this prayer: “Jesus, take the anxiety that isn’t from you.” This prayer has been powerful to me this year. Driving to the beach this summer, I had to pull over, almost succumbing to a panic attack. But when I said the following, there was nothing but peace: “Jesus, if this isn’t from you, take it. I ask that you fill me with your presence so fully that there is no space for anxiety or fear. Please fill me with your Holy Presence so much so that I am nothing but peace. Please take away all unnecessary anxiety, all fear that does not come from you, and quiet this heart so that it might not only recognize you more fully but convey your love to others, and I cannot do that when I feel like I’m on the defense.”
3) Take medication when you need to. I remember the tears that started to build up when I asked for a prescription when I was twenty-one from my OB/GYN. I remember the first time I took that tiny little pill. It was so anti-climatic but my God has it helped to take the edge off. I only take it when I start to recognize that “hum” inside of me, or if I know I may need a little extra help to get me over that “showing up” hurdle. And of course, exercising and eating right helps.
4) Commit, and don’t think about it anymore. When you say you will show up, try to not let your mind dwell further than that. Overthinking is dangerous. Commit and move on…otherwise you’ll talk yourself out of it (that is, if you’re anything like me!).
5) Face it. I’ll never forget the first time I thought about what would happen if I actually faced the anxiety. I snuck out of work for a few minutes to the chapel to gather my thoughts, when sitting there, I decided that instead of running from anxiety, I would just let it say what it needed to. What did it say? Nothing. It was nothing.
6) Give. And this is applicable all across the board. When you feel, well, shitty, give. Don’t be so hard on yourself, and then do something to brighten someone’s day. Tis the season after all, right?
So. You’re not alone on this one. And you can show up without having to prove it. You’re wanted. And you’re okay.
