In Defense of "The One"
By Leila Castillo
If you’ve seen the 1998 romance film Ever After, you might recall a scene in which Prince Henry, anxious to find and marry the right woman for him, confides his fears on the subject to his wise and paternal friend Leonardo DaVinci. “Do you really think there is only one perfect mate?” the prince queries, and the elder replies that he does. Prince Henry, wanting to believe the same himself, nonetheless bewilderedly suggests various incidents that could complicate finding his soulmate. What if he accidentally misses her? How can he know she is the one? He concludes with some frustration: “And is everything just chance, or are some things just meant to be?”
While taking his query seriously, I nonetheless find this scene amusing, and I chuckle, “same, bro, same.” The comical litany of “what-ifs” is relatable if you’ve ever considered the apparent conundrum of “the one.” *Sigh. Cue tugged heartstrings.* It’s a term that’s used often. So, is there such a thing as “the one,” or isn’t there? I’ve encountered both opinions from various directions: peers, Catholic speakers, theological reflections on marriage. And honestly, I see both sides. For some, it takes some pressure off the search for a spouse to believe that there are many people whom they might marry and with whom they could enjoy a holy and happy life. In any case, it alleviates doubts like those stated by Prince Henry, and eliminates wondering if you’ve actually ended up with your “one” or not, so I certainly see how it works.
Yet I had my doubts in the other direction, as this point of view causes some me anxiety and overthinking. Wanting to believe something that grants more credit to the workings of God’s Providence, I am led to conclude that we actually have plenty of basis for believing in “the one.” It’s not an over-sentimentalized notion of finding your perfect prince-charming; neither is it a rigid construct. So, if you are intrigued by the element of controversy on this matter or find that the concept of “the one” has always resonated with your heart, read on. Here’s why I think we can indeed believe in “the one”; in fact, the answer lies very close to the heart of God.
The Timeline
It all begins with how we understand time versus how God does. Here, I look to a quote by C.S. Lewis, who as a writer had a gift for articulating a wide array of truths. He elucidates this matter skillfully in Mere Christianity:
If you picture Time as a straight line along which we have to travel, then you must picture God as the whole page on which the line is drawn. We come to the parts of the line one by one: we have to leave A behind before we get to B, and cannot reach C until we leave B behind. God, from above or outside or all round, contains the whole line, and sees it all.
Following Lewis’s analogy, God directs our lives in a defined path along the straight line of time, not a map or maze of possibilities and different directions. Since no single solitary matter is left up in the air, although patience and God’s grace must help us approach each point in the timeline, the vocation to marriage does not take the form of a multiple choice question in the mind of God such that He might say: “Well, she could end up with person A, or B, or C, or D; and depending on which it is, her life will take trajectory A, B, C, or D...”
No. Seeing and encompassing our whole lives in a perpetual now because all is present to Him, your loving Father knows He knows exactly which of His sons will win your dear heart. It is not a matter of hypothetical options or reroutes; He has known from the beginning of time exactly what sort of masterpiece your life and my life will form, in all the details.
The Eternal Plan
Back to Ever After for a moment: with this next consideration, we can answer Prince Henry’s ultimate question. No, it is not all just chance; some things are meant to be, in an intentional plan for our lives! My thoughts for this point center around the following quote: “Do not be afraid, for she was set apart for you before the world existed.” (Tobit 6:17)
This passage blew my mind when I first read it. Did someone say soulmate?! Tucked in the account of Tobias’s journey to settle family business, this line is spoken encouragingly by the Archangel Raphael, highlighting the God-anointed romance between Tobias and Sarah. To think that Sacred Scripture itself contains such a clear, purposeful articulation of God’s Providence, specifically as it pertains to the relationship between a man and a woman!
What beauty in the knowledge that God has a beautiful and intricate design for your earthly journey and provides for every aspect, knowing exactly what you need, down to the identity and details of your beloved companion in the vocation of marriage. As I learned in Sacred Doctrine class in freshman year of college, the love between a husband and wife that bears fruit in a new family is an image, on mankind’s level, of God’s Trinitarian love overflowing and reciprocating among the three Divine Persons. Since each human person is distinct and unique, each love is also unique, and so I believe that God carefully orders the specific way in which each of us will experience this love incarnate in our lives. And so, He bears in His mind the particular person who will be your spouse, who will assist you in your journey to sanctity.
Holding On
There are days when you find yourself tempted to doubt the Lord’s plan for you just because you cannot see it. Thus, my final consideration is a look at the virtue of faith through both Scripture and C. S. Lewis. Whether or not you choose to believe in “the one,” this principle grants encouraging insight especially if you, like me, are a single constantly striving to trust the Lord’s plan for your future.
“Faith is the realization of what is hoped for and evidence of things not seen.” (Hebrews 11:1)
“Faith … is the art of holding on to things your reason has once accepted, in spite of your changing moods.” (C. S. Lewis, Mere Christianity)
Pop open the pink highlighter for emphasis on “things not seen” and “holding on … in spite of your changing moods.” As Lewis expressed, the thing about the timeline is that we must journey from point to point, often following a dim trail of breadcrumbs: point C is in fact a “thing not seen” when we are at point A. Just as Tobias continued in his hope of marrying Sarah without fully knowing how far his way would be paved with success, we too must trust at each step of the journey.
Oftentimes, believing becomes difficult because your heart becomes sad and your perseverance dwindles, yet this is where Lewis’s wisdom applies. I must say, I felt called out – “changing moods” seems to speak directly to our fragile emotions as women. Yet the loneliness, doubts, and fears will come and go, while the promise that we’ve accepted with our minds and hearts is reality and remains true. Faith will bring us to the moment when what we hope for is realized, for as Saint Paul points out one chapter earlier, He who made the promise is trustworthy.
In conclusion: the beauty of Providence, no matter what
I wish to briefly say that believing in “the one” does not mean that if (God forbid) your spouse dies, that’s all there is. Surely we place greater faith in the Lord’s care than to think He will see us up to a certain point and leave us there!
Ultimately, go where peace leads you. If there’s less pressure in believing that, with the Lord’s guidance, you can choose your spouse from among many possibilities, each of whom might enrich your life and make you a holier person as you do the same for them, that is valid and beautiful. If you stand with team “the one” and trust that the Lord will lead you to your person, that is valid and beautiful as well. From each vantage point, there is not the shadow of a doubt that the Lord’s Providence plays a central and unmistakable role in directing your unique future. I pray that in reading this, you are reminded to hope in the God who provides and holds the intricacies of each love story in His hands.
