Life with Reproductive Disorders: Whole, With or Without Healing
By Kiki Hayden
There are many articles, books, and testimonies telling women with reproductive disorders what we should do to become the women we are meant to be. We encounter judgement for our conditions, and it’s easy to believe that we must “achieve” healing to be worthy of love. But it isn’t our responsibility to earn love. When we stop seeking healing as the greatest good in our lives, we make room for Jesus, Who always loves us, healed or not.
Acknowledging Our Suffering as Real
Our suffering is real, even if doctors don’t believe us. Many women with menstrual disorders frequently call in sick, spending the day curled up praying for relief from the body-wracking pain. Many women with sexual dysfunction have felt the shock and betrayal of failed pap-smears or attempts to use a tampon. Unfortunately, many women with sexual pain/dysfunction have also experienced trauma in the bedroom, even if the encounter was gentle and kind and stopped the moment something went wrong. And women experiencing infertility know well the heartache of repeated negative pregnancy tests.
When we are believed, we are often judged harshly or ignored. When I was single, I received some outrageous suggestions from doctors. “Drink tea,” they said. “Try a bubble bath.” One notable doctor told me to have lots of sex to improve my reproductive health. Another said my problems would likely go away if I got married. (Spoiler alert: Marriage did not solve my health problems.)
Internalizing the Pressure of Reproductive Health
Married women also often have much undue pressure placed on them. I have read too many stories in books, magazines, and websites (both secular and Christian) about women suffering from infertility or sexual dysfunction whose husbands were just about to leave them when—poof—a miracle cure occurred and the marriage was “saved.” It’s rare to find a story in which the husband accepts his wife as she is, even with a reproductive disorder. Unconditional love is not often portrayed in the popular narrative. Instead, conditions are placed—and met.
I have also heard well-intentioned but ill-informed Christian leaders say that women are good because they can bear children or that marriage is good because the sexual embrace creates life. So many people assume that all married couples are able to have sex and conceive children.
Most disturbingly, I have heard and read several Christian leaders say that certain reproductive disorders are sufficient reasons for a spouse to leave the marriage because such a marriage is not “real” in the first place. As if someone whose reproductive system is “broken” is merely damaged goods.
Even if we feel uneasy with these narratives, it is difficult not to internalize them. The message that we are inadequate is pervasive. It seems so natural, so important to “achieve” healing. We may begin to tell ourselves it’s our moral obligation. After all, pregnancy is one of the most obvious outward signs of being open to life. It’s tempting to throw our whole lives into the latest research, the newest miracle drug/therapy/vitamin/diet/prayer, no matter how expensive, no matter how time consuming, no matter how physically or emotionally exhausting. We place our reproductive systems on a pedestal, worshipping the tantalizing promise of healing just around the corner.
After all, the hemorrhaging woman who touched Jesus’s cloak was made well after twelve years because she had faith (Mark 5:25-34). So we pray harder in the hope that our long wait and our great faith will move the Lord to finally provide that well-earned healing. As if God Himself is merely a means to an end.
Our reproductive disorders seem to be keeping us from real womanhood, from true dignity, from being worthy of love and fidelity, from true openness to life. Our relationships with our bodies––and even with Jesus––become demanding and objectifying. Our mental and spiritual health suffer. Healing continues to mock us, just out of reach.
Are you tired of the labyrinth of disbelieving doctors and failed “cures”? Are you tired of all this striving?
Me too.
Recognizing Our Innate Wholeness
I’ve got good news/bad news: We can’t earn love, nor dignity, nor femininity. These are gifts from our Father. Unconditional gifts, already present within us.
Healing is good, but it doesn’t change our value. If you have been blessed with healing from a reproductive disorder, I am deeply happy for you! Please know that you were just as dignified, just as beautiful, just as much a woman before the healing as after.
If someone’s love and respect for you is dependent on your healing, the problem is not you. True love does not place conditions on you.
You know who loves us truly, whether healed or sick? The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. And God’s love is completely unconditional. “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:38-39).
Sisters, we are not good because we can bear children, or receive our spouses, or work a full schedule; and we are not “bad” or “damaged goods” or “broken” if we can’t. We are good simply because of who we are, healed or not.
Taking our Reproductive Systems off the Pedestal
It’s okay to stop seeking healing with our whole hearts.
A radical statement, I know. So often we are told that our femininity (and/or our vocation) depends on this healing. And sometimes we are told that we cannot possibly have an attitude that is “open to life” without constantly pursuing healing. But I repeat: our femininity, our dignity, and our vocations (including motherhood) are gifts from God that cannot be earned––not even by having holy sex with a Catholic spouse and bearing twelve children who all enter religious life.
We are so much more than our reproductive systems.
When we stop seeking healing as the greatest end, we make room for other aspects of our lives. Our relationships with our families, friends, and spouses (yes, even our relationships with our spouses outside of sex). Our mental and spiritual health. Our creative dreams. Our prayer lives. Jesus.
If you feel called to continue to seek healing, I encourage you in your journey. If you feel called to step away from it for a while, that’s fine too! The point is that healing doesn’t have to be at the center of our lives. It doesn’t have to define us. It doesn’t have to keep us from feeling fully loved and fully woman.
When we take our reproductive systems off the pedestal in our hearts, Jesus can reside there instead. When Jesus is the center of our lives, we don’t have to strive. We can more fully embrace the cross that He is asking us to carry, even if that includes a reproductive disorder (or two or three). When we seek healing, we can do so without putting pressure on ourselves or on God. And even if/when we step away from seeking healing, we can accept ourselves as we are. With Jesus at the center of our hearts, we can recognize our own worthiness and learn to accept the unconditional love that the Trinity pours into us every day.
You are so good, sister. Right now. Without healing. You are whole because you are His.
