Managing Friendships From Afar
By Rebecca Corgan
Once upon a time, people usually stayed put.
With the advances made in recent decades––Airplanes! The Industrial Revolution! The Information Age! Cars, colleges, and far-flung careers!––we find that the ever-expanding world is our oyster.
That potential brings with it a lot of wonderful things. However, it can also bring a lot of pain. The more places we go, the more people we meet. The more people we meet, the more people we leave. The more people we leave, the more people we miss. Aside from sounding like some kind of jaded Dr. Seuss poem, this reflects the lived reality of many people navigating modern-day relationships.
We enjoy mobility, so we move around a lot. As a result, with each chapter of our lives, we create physical distance between the ever-changing cast of our life’s story.
Knowing how to manage relationships well, no matter the distance, opens doors for closer connection. It allows us to invest in relationships that we previously would have regarded as short-term only. It allows us to form real bonds with people who live in different circumstances than we do––an essential ingredient for deepening our ability to empathize with those who have different life experiences.
Modern technology allows people on the other side of the globe to be integral staples of our daily lives; however, we have to know the value of these relationships in addition to the practical ways to make that happen.
The Value of Long-Distance Relationships
First, we need to realize a fundamental truth: the people we have known throughout our lives have made us into who we are. If we still treasure those meaningful relationships, it’s worth it to do the work. Closing the doors on our valued relationships solely due to distance does everyone involved a disservice. Fortunately, there’s good news: we have modern resources available to us that can remove distance as an obstacle to a fulfilling relationship.
However, these types of relationships can take a lot of effort. To make them work, it’s important to discern which ones are worth this kind of dedication. I probably wouldn’t drive for hours and hours to see an old acquaintance; on the other hand, my dearest, oldest friends––the kind you want to stay close to––are worth every mile.
When I’ve put in the work––made the reservations, taken the time out of my schedule, caught the plane, or have driven the endless miles––something magical happens. In a world where it seems like everything is often happening quickly, time suddenly stops. For a moment, I become the younger, more innocent, more carefree version of myself.
On a more practical level, these friendships create a lot of perspective in my life. When I see the friends I can only hang out with every other year, it seems like so much has changed—for all parties concerned. We move quickly through job changes and moves, engagements and weddings; we blink, and suddenly we own houses or have children. Yet, through it all, we’re there to help each other grow; particularly, when I hang out with a long-distance friend, I find that we can appreciate a zoomed-out sense of time that reminds us of what is really important. I envision telling my friend on the other side of the world about something inconsequential, and I know she’ll laugh and the worry will dissolve.
Over time, our long-term, long-distance relationships may change; they may be harder or different than those we enjoy with roommates or close-by communities. But that does not mean that these relationships are less important or necessary. These relationships, because of their long-term nature, allow us to learn about ourselves, others, and even our lives in different ways; their unique mix of sporadic life-updates, semi-regular check-ins and yearly reunions provides perspective on how I’ve changed and how my loved ones have grown. Personally, I’ve found that’s 100% worth the effort.
Practical Tips for Long-Distance Friendships
Let’s talk about a few practical, creative ways to invest in long-distance friendships. To start, here’s an understatement: long-distance relationships are difficult. Much of the secret sauce that makes for successful connection depends upon constant check-ins, on intertwined daily experiences, on living through the regular and mundane and mediocre with other people.
In long-distance relationships, we simply don’t connect as frequently as we would with, say, a roommate or a neighbor. When we do connect from afar, we prepare, schedule, and share highlights. We simply don’t connect (intuitively) in the lovely, informal, spontaneous way that adds connective tissue to most relationships.
Here are a few very simple things that you can do to create those little pockets of connection:
Remember them throughout your day
Keep the weather for a friend or loved one’s city saved in your weather app. (You can easily do this in The Weather Channel’s free app). It’s a zero-work way to know what’s going on in your friend’s life, and you might even be able to give them a head’s up if a big storm is on the horizon.
On a similar note, you can keep their time zone stored in your World Clock app on your phone (iPhones come with this ability, and there are similar options for Android).
Another phone hack: Set yourself reminders in your phone two weeks prior to a long-distance friend’s birthday, or other days important to your friend that you’d like to remember. This will give you enough time to do something about your friend’s big day, such as sending them a small gift, if you’re so inclined.
Experience Life Together, From Afar
Find ways to live through experiences together. Modern tech has given us tools to watch TV and movies in sync with friends, no matter where they are; or you could simply get two copies of the same book, read them, and schedule a time to talk about it once finished.
Another fun idea? Swap recipes on occasion and FaceTime each other while you’re trying them. You both have to cook and eat—use that meal prep time every once in a while to connect while your hands are busy.
With long-distance relationships, it can sometimes feel like we need something ‘big’ or noteworthy to happen in order to communicate. That might have been the case in days past, but today, we have technology that erases that issue. Challenge yourself to send your friend pictures of the most mundane daily things you can think of for a week, and ask them to do the same in return. Likely, you’ll learn a lot about each other, and it’ll completely smash that high-expectations bar for future communication.
Be Intentional
Don’t feel weird about taking notes about your long-distance friend’s life. Write down the names of important people they meet. Keep a note in your phone detailing the projects they mention to you. It’ll mean a lot to your friend, later, when you can pull these details out of thin air and ask meaningful follow-up questions.
Keep a draft email open to your long-distance friend in your inbox, add to it with random thoughts over the course of the week, and send the draft every Friday (or whenever works for you). It’s a low-effort way to keep up a communication rhythm, and you’d be surprised at the deep, weird, and hilarious thoughts that arise this way.
If you’re ever able to manage it, work out a way to surprise your long-distance friend—in person, or (if it’s easier) with an unexpected care package. Work with their family and friends in town to coordinate a visit, unbeknownst to them; or simply keep tabs on a few of their go-to places in town and send them a gift card for a quick bite from time to time.
These types of relationships may be hard work. They may present difficulties. They may feel like they rarely present a reward to be reaped. However, it’s unfair to discount the beauty in these relationships simply due to distance. There’s nothing better than that feeling of being able to pick up where you left off with an old friend––or getting that once-in-a-blue moon surprise text from a loved one. As we learn to get better at distanced communication, we just need to know that connection always counts. Send the text. Schedule the video call. Source the local flowers, and surprise your loved one when you can. It’s all part of loving well, no matter what—and, sometimes, relationships are what we put in. When a long-distance relationship flourishes, that feels like a huge victory to everyone concerned—because when people work that hard at a relationship, they know it’s for life.
Even after 2020’s pandemic recedes in our rear-view windows, many of us will still conduct long-distance relationships––with family, with school friends, or with childhood buddies. Remembering that these relationships are worth it is key for navigating modern life with as much openness and joy as possible.
