Navigating Loneliness In Your Early 20s
By Rachel Summa
When we’re in college, our older friends might tell us to enjoy school, because the “real world” is tough. At least, I heard this phrase a thousand times. We may brace ourselves for life post-college, but still may never understand exactly why our early twenties can be so difficult and confusing until we get there.
I already knew adulthood meant paying bills, living on your own, and being completely responsible for yourself, but I was not prepared to realize the only sense of community I had ever known was gone. Up until this point, I was always with people my own age, at the same stage in life, either in a classroom, dorm building, or faith formation program at church. It was in these places that I found my best friends. In the adult world, that community is not automatically right in front of me: I have to actively seek it out and step out of my comfort zone to form friendships. Finding community and making friends in my early twenties requires a new sense of vulnerability I have never had to show before.
When I moved back to my hometown not too long after I graduated college, it took me a few months to realize just how lonely I was. In my mind, I was not “supposed” to live at home after I graduated. I had plans to move to a big city, but the pandemic forced me to change gears for the time being. I moved back in with my parents and started a new job in my hometown at the end of the summer. Suddenly my days consisted of going to the office and coming home to watch Netflix or scroll through social media. Gone were the days of long club meetings after class, dinners at the dining hall with my close friends, and late night study sessions with my roommates. I let myself forget the community I once had and pushed down the thought that I needed friends and fellowship.
It was not until I went back to visit my college town at Christmastime and reunited with my college friends that I understood how lonely I actually was. My family is my greatest support system, and I am so blessed to live near them, but I realized how much I still longed for friends my age who were in my stage in life. Laughing over college memories with friends made me realize how much I missed being around people my age who knew me personally. I came home grateful for that visit, but also feeling lonelier than before.
Any attempt to make friends and find community as a twenty-something has been anything but comfortable. Parish young adult events are always a good place to start, but it can be hard to go to these events when you hardly know anyone there. As an introvert, it has never been easy for me to walk up to someone and start a conversation with them. It was only by stepping out of my comfort zone to introduce myself at these events that allowed me to meet incredible individuals who are also seeking community and friendship.
In reflecting on the boldness it takes to make friends post-college, I’ve turned to the Bible. The apostles show how stepping out is essential to growing the Mystical Body of Christ. Jesus called his disciples to go out to others and share the good news. In this Easter season, we read through the book of Acts and watch Jesus’s Apostles face persecution, ridicule, and other hardships for sharing His message; yet their bravery helped build the Mystical Body of Christ that provides spiritual nourishment and community to everyone on earth today.
Even so, it took time for Jesus’s disciples to build up the Church; likewise, it takes time to find friends and community as a young adult. Leaving the safe college bubble can make the transition to adulthood feel isolating, lonely, and confusing.
Whenever I start to feel lonely, I have a bad habit of scrolling through social media to pass the time. I see my friends and former classmates posting exciting experiences, and I find myself comparing my life to theirs. I know Instagram is not reality, but as soon as that comparison creeps in, my sense of inner peace and self-acceptance are still shaken. I begin to think about all the things I do not have, whether that be friends, money, or experiences. I have realized loneliness can distract us from thinking about everything we do have, and sometimes when our lives do not seem to “measure up” to those of our friends, we feel like we have nothing.
But the truth is, we never have nothing, even in times of loneliness and isolation. St. Paul’s letters from prison remind us about one of the most important truths of the New Testament: in any and all circumstances, no matter how little we have or how lonely we are, we always have Jesus.
Whenever I am tempted to think about the things I do not have, I like to look back at St. Paul’s letter to the Philippians. One particular passage that I hold dearly when I struggle with comparison and loneliness is Philippians 4:11-13, where St. Paul writes:
Not that I say this because of need, for I have learned, in whatever situation I find myself, to be self-sufficient. I know indeed how to live in humble circumstances; I know also how to live with abundance. In every circumstance and in all things I have learned the secret of being well fed and of going hungry, of living in abundance and of being in need. I have the strength for everything through him who empowers me.
When he wrote these words, St. Paul was a prisoner, not a young, twenty-something woman in search of friends and community. Yet, the lesson is still applicable: St. Paul teaches us the secret of being content and grateful for what we have and the One we always belong to, even in not-so-great circumstances.
Whenever I start to feel lonely or like I do not have enough, I like to repeat Philippians 4:11-13, and then I do something to remind myself of Christ’s constant presence in my life. These past several months, I have found myself going to daily Mass, adoration, and confession on my own more than I ever did when I was younger. Whenever I seek consolation and walk into church, I gaze at Jesus in the Eucharist and remember the words of Isaiah 43:2a: “When you pass through waters, I will be with you.” Christ desires each of us so much that He willingly comes to us in the form of bread and wine every time we attend Mass. Even when we feel alone, He reveals His presence to us through the Eucharist.
Maybe you are battling loneliness right now or going without something you always had before. It is possible you are like me, and your path to finding community has been a long journey. Your feelings of isolation are very real and, at times, painful. Remember that even during times of transition and confusion, Jesus is right there beside you, guiding your footsteps. With St. Paul, may we remember that Christ is always with us and will give us the strength to navigate these seasons of having little, knowing that He always is here, and He is all we need.
