Moving in with Loneliness
By Sasha Knock
I moved out for the first time in my life in the midst of the pandemic. Granted, I’m now located only a half hour away from home, but this was a big deal for me. As an only child, I have always thrived on my independence. Living alone was something I had always dreamed of.
Though I lived with my family throughout college and for a few years post-graduation, I never stopped longing for a place of my own. Over the years, I collected things here and there that I could imagine filling my future space. Boxes of artwork, household items, and décor piled up in a downstairs closet just waiting to be used.
Finally, a job switch in late 2019 allowed me the ability to live independently and, after saving up for a few months, I was finally ready to make my move. But there was one problem: COVID had dramatically changed our lives. While touring apartments in the summer of 2020, nervousness and a touch of uncertainty filled my heart as I prepared to leave everything I’d ever known. Questions spun around in my mind: Could I do it? Should I move now or wait until the pandemic is over? What if I lose my job? What if I get too lonely?
What if? Those two words repeatedly buzzed around but, deep in my heart, I knew God was calling me to step out in faith. I mustered up my courage, signed a lease, packed my bags, and moved out with the help of my parents and boyfriend.
Seeing my apartment come together on moving day brought to my heart a deep joy I had longed for over the past few years. Paintings, books, and plants filled the corners of my new home. I organized everything to my liking. This was my apartment. In a certain sense, it felt like I was finally a woman, no longer a girl.
Excited and full of peace, I settled into my new place quickly. I couldn’t wait to learn new skills like fiscal responsibility, household management, and everything else that comes with independent living.
I found that living alone without roommates has many perks. Not only do you get to choose the décor for your space and keep everything organized to your liking, you also don’t have to check in with anyone else’s preferences. You can go to bed as late (or early) as you want to. That pint of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream in the freezer? No one else will touch it.
However, living alone during a pandemic has had its challenges. When working from home, the line between work life and home life began to blur. I converted half of my bedroom into a home office. Spending over 16 hours a day in the same room started to take a toll, especially because I live alone. Opportunities for community have been limited and, oftentimes, unfavorable weather has made inside the only place I can be.
Later in the fall, as the excitement of the move wore off, I began to struggle with an overwhelming feeling of loneliness. I’d visit with my parents, spend time with my boyfriend, and see my friends on occasion, but I started to feel a strange distance from everyone in my life—no matter how close they were.
Little did I know, my lesson in loneliness wasn’t over.
I woke up one fall day feeling awful––my body ached like I had been run over by a train, my throat was sore, and my chest hurt. I didn't know what it was, but to keep the people I love safe, I immediately self-isolated. Thankfully, I was able to continue to work from home and I tried to keep my mind off of how I felt.
But my symptoms grew worse each day. I met virtually with various doctors every week, trying to get answers. There wasn’t a clear answer to my illness until over two weeks later, when I spent an evening in a local urgent care. After a chest x-ray and a third COVID test, it was confirmed I was indeed positive for the virus. I would have to isolate for another 10 days from the day of my positive test. My heart sank.
Simply living in the midst of a pandemic is already difficult. Throw in total isolation and it’s inundating. At the end of the day, all I had was myself and my lovely, but lonely, apartment.
I started to doubt what God had called me to do. The peace I had felt was replaced with anxiousness and frustration. This was what I wanted, right?
When you’re alone, lies can creep into your heart and fester. They can drown out truths and cause you to doubt what God has planned for you. You begin to doubt your own strength and your decisions.
There have been moments in my adventure of living alone that I thought my decision was a mistake. However, when these moments come, I think of a favorite quote from author and minister Victor Raymond Edman: “Never doubt in the darkness what God told you in the light.”
During my experience with COVID, my heart traced back to past times I had felt deep loneliness. After these seasons of loneliness, something magnificent and unimaginable had always been at the other end: a job opportunity, a beautiful relationship, a new friendship. In hindsight, I needed those seasons of loneliness to prepare me for what God had in store. Those isolating moments allowed me to learn more about myself and trust that He had each situation in the palms of His hands. The sorrow of those seasons paved the way for deeper joy in the good seasons.
I came to realize God had me in this season for a purpose too. Instead of turning away from Him, I turned toward Him. I began praying again. I began to talk to Him and tell Him about my day. I began to trust.
On nights when it was difficult to sleep, instead of letting my anxiety seep into my thoughts, I would talk to God. Many nights during my isolation I fell asleep praying a rosary. I began to feel God comforting me during one of the most difficult times of my life. His presence grew each day I allowed Him to take control.
In giving God control, I began to see all the ways He was working in my life through the people I love. While I healed, I was able to witness the extreme kindness of people. Some dropped off care packages full of food, medicine, and flowers; others called and FaceTimed to check in on me, allowing me to vent in my loneliest moments.
Their support greatly encouraged me, but I began to realize that while people may provide comfort, presence, and reflections of God’s love (and are completely necessary in our faith journeys), He is the source from which all that flows. He is the one constant. Praying the rosary, reading Scripture, and engaging in meditation to seek God’s presence were ways I was able to tap into the most necessary Source and reconnect with Him.
Now that I’ve recovered from my month-long illness, I know deep in my heart that God is where our true home is. He is with me in my one-bedroom apartment; His Love has reminded me that I’m not the only occupant. He can bring good to all situations, if we let Him. .
Through this experience of engaging with loneliness, I have not only learned dependence on God, but have found strength in living alone. This strength has led me to seek out ways to bring kindness to others. I’ve discovered deep gratitude for the things I do have, and I now approach the future with a childlike hope.
To all those who may be feeling the weight of loneliness right now, when we’re lonely, God hasn’t abandoned us. No matter how isolated we feel, God walks beside us, even in the deserts of desolation. God calls us to trust His timing and His plans. He desires that we fix our eyes on Him. The more we spend time with our Savior and listen to what He is teaching us in the silence and the loneliness, the more we will be formed into the person He calls us to be.
