Practical Steps to Cultivating and Keeping Female Friendships
By Victoria Mastrangelo
In 2010, we were all introduced to the now popular holiday known as Galentine’s Day by the loveable Leslie Knope of Parks and Recreation, as played by Amy Poehler. In the season two episode that introduced the holiday, Leslie declared that “Every February 13th, my lady friends and I leave our husbands and boyfriends at home and we just come and kick it, breakfast-style,” an event that is all about “ladies celebrating ladies.” Since then, many women have followed in Knope and pals’ footsteps, using the day to celebrate their female friendships in a special way.
For those familiar with Parks and Rec, Leslie Knope is beloved for her warm heart, extreme generosity, often sacrificial love for others, and her ability to shower others with compliments, especially her best friend Anne Perkins. This day completely flows out from who Leslie is as a person. That same spirit is poured into how she celebrates the day each season with her friends. What makes this day so great is that it focuses on peak friendship: having fun celebrating the other and loving them for them.
Studies have shown that female friendships increase serotonin and oxytocin in women and that in times of stress women experience the desire to “tend and befriend” other women rather than the fight or flight reaction. This desire to “tend and befriend” compels women to reach out to their female friends and connect with women who validate them, who they can be totally themselves with, and who help alleviate the outside pressures or stress they may face. With all of the expectations that society places on women, genuine female friendship provides a judgment-free zone that allows women to bond with others and grow themselves. Whether you are single or married, parenting or not, working outside of or within the home, female friendships are an empowering, healing, and crucial aspect of life for women.
Female friendship can be both incredibly amazing and incredibly hard. Women are often told that there are few places for them in society and that, unfortunately, they have to beat out all the other women to get those places. For every amazing Leslie Knope moment, there are double the moments across media that show women throwing friendship away to get ahead (e.g., Cady’s treatment of Janice on her way to popularity in Mean Girls). Finding and maintaining good female friendships can be difficult as we enter into different stages of life too––whether that be demanding careers, marriage and/or kids, or intense training programs such as law school, medical residency, and PhD programs. The demands of these different vocations can make it difficult to find the time to schedule the needed coffee date, phone call, or dinner with friends. It can also be difficult to feel like you have a place in your friend’s new life and schedule. As life gets busier, it is also hard to meet new women and cultivate new friendships.
How do we overcome all these challenges? How do we work towards authentic female friendships? As Catholics, we have great examples of holy friendships in the examples of Ruth and Naomi, Sts. Felicity and Perpetua, and Servants of God Dorothy Day and Catherine Doherty. The peak model of female friendship, though, is that of the Virgin Mary and St. Elizabeth which is found in the biblical account of the Visitation. A reflective reading of this text can reveal various practical ways to live out and achieve authentic and holy female friendship.
Just go for it!
Luke tells us that Mary went “in haste” to visit Elizabeth upon hearing the news from Gabriel of the latter’s pregnancy. Mary shows us that, sometimes, we just have to go for it! Maybe you’ve seen a cool, new coworker around or another young family at Mass but you’ve been too shy or self-conscious about saying hello and introducing yourself. Maybe you keep meaning to call your friend but get caught up doing other things. Maybe you have been working late every day and feel bad missing chores or dinner at home by having dinner with a friend.
A lot of times, it takes an intentional, coordinated effort to reach out and make friendship happen. However, Mary wasn’t invited to see Elizabeth––she just went for it. Break the ice with the new coworker or mom you’ve been seeing around. It may be awkward at first but it also could be the start of a great friendship or a new support system with another family. Call your friend for the free 15 minutes you have at lunch or on the drive home; that may not be the hours-long conversation you want to have, but you can always touch base and plan for a longer or more routine call in the future. There will always be chores to do at home, but you can still reach out to a friend to meet for coffee or invite them over to dinner with your family so you can spend time with both. If we put in some effort and allow for a little spontaneity and creativity, we can tend and befriend––making new friendships and preserving old ones.
Celebrate each other’s successes
Another lesson that the Visitation teaches us is to joyfully celebrate each other’s successes and be willing to “share your thunder.” Mary has just been told that she will be the mother of God and yet it is the news of Elizabeth’s miraculous pregnancy that elates her, and she runs to her cousin to celebrate Elizabeth’s pregnancy, not her own. Elizabeth in turn rejoices for the “the mother of my Lord” who has come to visit her.
It can be hard to celebrate others, especially when we have something to celebrate ourselves. In our individualistic society, there’s a tendency to want to be celebrated for our accomplishments. We are easily envious of others for their blessings and achievements, such as when friends get married or receive their newest promotion. There’s a competitiveness that infiltrates women’s friendships that makes it harder for us to view other women’s successes with joy rather than resentment.
Mary has received the greatest honor in the story of salvation history, but she desires to celebrate the miracle that has occurred for Elizabeth, who has been suffering from years of infertility. In turn, Elizabeth bypasses the joy of her own miraculous pregnancy to honor Mary’s exciting news. This reciprocity of joy and celebration allows for both women to be edified, supported, and recognized. Women not only need each other during times of stress and suffering for support, but also during times of rejoicing. We are often the first to doubt ourselves and our successes, so it is important to have women in our lives who love, support, and remind us that those successes are real and worthy of celebration. Elizabeth and Mary’s mutual glee is a reminder to us to celebrate the women who are celebrating us. Just as important as having women in our lives to love and support us is being the friend that loves and supports them, so that our relationships with them are grounded in knowing that we will both always be there for the other.
Accept help
As women, we typically tend to be the caretakers of other people, making it incredibly hard to care for ourselves or to let others care for us. We are happy to be the friend that listens for hours or brings food for the meal train, but can find it hard to be the one to ask for or accept that care. If we let our friends help us clean, cook, care for our kids, what does that say about me as a woman? This is probably why so many self-care programs and books are aimed at women.
Mary graciously accepts the shower of compliments that Elizabeth pours out on her. Mary “remained with (Elizabeth) about three months and then returned to her home,” implying that Elizabeth accepted Mary’s help in her preparations for the birth of her son (Luke 1:56). These two women show us that we are called to graciously and humbly receive the help and love of our friends just as much as we are called to be their helper.
It can be hard when you’re in the thick of something to know what exactly you need from someone or who and how to ask. This kind of help can come in many forms from different people, but it helps to be both practical and specific. If you’re stressed about an upcoming exam for your professional advancement, ask a friend to help you study. If you are stressed with wedding preparations, ask a friend to help stuff and stamp envelopes. Bounce ideas off a friend for an upcoming work project you’re stuck on. If you need help with the kids, ask another mom to take turns watching each other’s children. If a friend offers you help in ways you know could make your life easier or less stressful, graciously accept it!
In the three months that Mary stayed with Elizabeth, there were probably moments where she had to anticipate Elizabeth’s needs or assess their environment and step in to do something.I wonder if it was hard to ask Mary to do something for her. After all, Elizabeth had just learned that her cousin was the Mother of God! But in true humility, Elizabeth knew she could accept or seek that help. If you’re the friend that can offer the help, listen to your friend’s worries and stressors so that you can step in when she’s not sure what she needs or how to ask for it.
Stay rooted in the Lord
The most important lesson we can learn from the Visitation is that the best friendships are rooted in the Lord. Both women recognize the gift that the Lord had given them in these miraculous pregnancies. When we recognize a common source of blessing in the Lord, it becomes easier to be joyful rather than envious about our friend’s blessings. A common love of God and the desire to become saints can help us recognize each other’s vocation and gifts, as well as provide us the grace we need to support each other in achieving the common goal of sanctity. This journey toward God can be the uniting factor that mends any competitiveness that may arise within friendship.
The gift of faith in friendship also means that we can be there for and with each other, even when it’s not a physical possibility. We are with each other in the mass and we can offer prayers for each other without having to share that we are. We can take our friend’s needs to the Lord when we are unable to do anything else for them. We can even ask the Lord for the graces necessary to overcome difficulties in our friendship and we can pray with gratitude for the friendship and its fruit.
A shared faith also means shared expectations and values, which allows us to help each other when we stray or fall. We can point to an objective truth rather than our subjective assessment of someone’s life situation or struggles. This means that we can hold each other accountable which is a strengthening force in our lives and in our friendships. Because of this, we can share common struggles in our growth in virtue while being supportive of one another from a place of grace. Our shared faith also means that we can help each other by always putting God first, as both Mary and Elizabeth did by rejoicing in God’s miraculous work in each other’s lives.
Galentine’s Day, Every Day
I recently thought of a friend one morning and texted her asking how she was. It turns out that she was about to take an important exam for graduate school. The only thing I could offer her at that moment was a prayer and words of encouragement, but she texted after her test with words of thanks and appreciation because she felt that support during her exam. This moment reminded me that friendship is not always a long phone call or grand gesture, but is often sustained by small moments of remembering, reaching out, and connecting.
St Luke doesn’t tell us what happens after the Visitation between Mary and Elizabeth but we can imagine what their friendship was like. They both had their sons and spent their days raising them and doing their work. There must have been check-ins with each other, either directly or by word-of-mouth through family members. Most likely, there were regular prayers offered for each other. We don’t know whether they saw each other again, but we can assume that their friendship endured in some way, even if just in thought and prayer or in the relationship between their children. The legacy of their friendship endures today and serves as a model to all of us as we navigate friendships today.
So, whether you’ve been celebrating since 2010 or have just come across Galentine’s Day, take the time to celebrate your friendships. If you can, go all out on February 13th and recreate Leslie Knope’s day of friendship. But remember to celebrate your friends daily, even if it’s just offering a quick, silent prayer for them since, as St. Thomas Aquinas said, “there is nothing on this earth more to be prized than true friendship.”
