Share The Mess
By Catherine Gilmore
I’ve written about mess before. It’s an all-too-familiar topic in my life. If we are being honest, it probably is in all of our lives. Messy emotions and relationships, the rocky paths of spirituality, and the uncomfortableness of redemptive suffering. Mistakes and regrets and guilt and confession and cleansing and doing it all over again. Pain, surrender, and renewal are so messy, yet so indescribably beautiful.
It has taken a lot of courage in these last months for me to stop and examine my mess. To sit and be still with it, to ruminate and accept and then surrender it to Him. It takes Jesus’ own strength for me to lift my hands and say, “Here is my mess, You know it. I let You in, come heal me here”. He showed the world His wounds when he was held with nails upon that Cross. Looking at the crucifix above my bed is a daily reminder that He is personally showing me His wounds. He is showing me that the only way to love is to allow the mess to be seen. He is slowly slowly slowly, ever so s l o w l y, teaching me to show my own wounds to Him. He is teaching me that it is okay to bring Him the things that are not okay. And I like to think that I’ve gotten a lot better at letting Him into my mess. Jesus has been strong, and oh so gentle, as He teaches me that He isn’t afraid of the human condition. He came to redeem it, after all.
But it is a whole new level of scary when someone walks in and God invites you to share your mess with another person. Why would you want me to do that, God? Why would you want me to be vulnerable enough to let someone else see all this? That is just crazy and ridiculous and so uncomfortable. I don’t think I can handle that. You and me, we can handle that. You are my Savior and I am the messy one who needs the redeeming. You are perfect and can hold me perfectly, but someone else? What is the point of sharing? That’s insane. It might hurt. It is much easier and so much more comfortable to put on a smile and hold it all together.
It is my mess. Mine. My flaws. My mistakes. My bad habits. My confusing emotions and chaotic thoughts. My defeats and regrets. My mess. Mine.
I am so controlling that I even like to control who sees the messy parts of my heart. As I type, I realize how crazy this sounds. It is crazy because it is not His plan. His plan is something greater, something difficult and astonishingly wonderful.
God is calling me to let go of my control and my need to appear perfect and put-together. Because there is something incredibly beautiful about letting another person in. In the Garden of Eden, when Adam got to walk with God and share everything, God still said, “It is not good for man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18). How was that possible? Adam had everything; I mean Eden was perfection. It was paradise at its finest. And still, God saw that it was not good for man to be alone. We are not meant to do this life alone. In the rare case you are called to be a hermit, seclusion might be totally sanctifying, but the rest of us need one another. We need to learn how to let people walk this journey to heaven with us. We are made for community and for vulnerability. We are made for visitation, for joy and praise raised to heaven. And we are also made to share our mess.
So this is a plea, to myself and to others. When another, whose heart is good and whose intentions are pure, asks to share your mess, take off your mask and let yourself be seen. Share the mess because it is not good for you to be alone. Take it to Jesus first, but be willing to take it to others too!
Let a friend fold her arms around you and let her speak truth to you when you feel spiritually assaulted. Let your family understand your wounds. Let him know your illogical emotions and crazy desires. Let the pain in your heart show itself in your tears. Let them see your humanity. Let your true and trusted ones see the chaos and the confusion, the panic and sadness; if they are truly your people, they won’t run. Like Saint John and Mary beneath the Cross, they will stand beside you and behold your pain. They will make sure you are not alone. Jesus asks that your heart be His first, but He asks that you give it, with all its goodness and flaws, to His people too. We need each other's’ hearts.
