The Break in My Relationship is Where I Found God
By Yana Bostongirl
“I’m calling for a relationship break.” I knew my then-partner was dealing with a serious issue but nevertheless those words caught me unawares. The stubborn tone in his voice that brooked no further discussion filled me with a deep sense of foreboding.
The phrase “relationship break” was popularised by a Friends episode in which Rachel and her boyfriend, Ross, decide to take a break from each other. Although the idea of “going on a break” sounded quite novel to me then, I’ve since discovered the heartache and confusion that is the painful reality for the person at the receiving end of such a statement.
Many of us know from personal experience how painful relationship breaks can be. But sometimes things happen that leave no choice but to call for pressing the pause button on a relationship. What is important to remember, though, is that since it takes two partners to make a relationship, every effort should be made to have an in-person conversation prior to initiating the break so that both partners are on the same page. As licensed marriage and family therapist Weena Cullins further elaborates,
The best-case break scenario is created when two committed partners mutually agree to pause their relationship for the benefit of one or both parties. The break could be prompted by forced or voluntary geographic distance, temporarily increased responsibilities at work or with family that would make it difficult to maintain the normal rhythm of the relationship, or needed time for introspection and self-care.
In my case, although I knew my partner was working through a personal issue, the decision to pause the relationship was entirely from his end. Perhaps he chose a break because he lacked the emotional bandwidth to cope with more than one thing at a time. I wished that he could have at least opened it up for discussion before he went ahead and made the decision by himself.
Even though I had a million questions, I realized he wasn’t interested in discussing our relationship further, so I chose not to force the issue and agreed to the relationship break as gracefully as I could. To be honest, I was just putting up a brave front. The tears came later and didn’t stop coming for a long time.
Coping with the pause
The internet is flooded with advice––both useful and not so much––for navigating a relationship break. Such advice ranges from laying down firm rules for check-ins with each other, creating boundaries as to whether the relationship remains in place, or clarifying if you are officially single during the break and free to date other people. One thing most sites agree upon is the “no contact” rule.
Though I was familiar with what no contact entailed, I was a bit surprised by the rather manipulative way this rule was discussed in some circles online. Some relationship coaches discussed the concept of having no contact with an ex as a method to bring your ex’s attention to the fact that not only are you living your life without them but are also placing a high value on yourself and your time. Cutting off all contact is purported to spike the ex’s curiosity as to why you are not begging them to come back, thereby prompting them to initiate contact. Another piece of advice is to flood your social media with pictures of you looking your best and having a great time so as to make your partner jealous and want to come back. The no contact rule in the age of social media can certainly add complication to not being in touch.
To be honest, I found this advice over-the-top, not to mention unhealthy. And yet, that no contact rule presented me with a personal challenge. I believed that when you love someone, you can’t completely cut off communication and move on with life just like that. I also couldn’t find it in me to take selfies pretending to have a great time as a sort of revenge tactic when that was just about the farthest thing from my mind. I genuinely wanted contact with my ex.
About a month into the break, I couldn’t take the frustration of this “no contact” rule anymore. I reached out to him asking how he was doing. His response, though prompt, was brief and devoid of any feeling that his earlier messages to me displayed. I learned he was still completely engrossed in dealing with his problem. And that was it. I had hoped he might ask how I was doing or communicate how much longer he wanted the relationship break to last.
What I found most helpful in this time of longing was to focus on becoming a better version of myself. Even though it was quite difficult initially, I found that journaling my thoughts was soothing and provided an avenue for all the chaotic thoughts in my mind like “What is he doing?” “Is he okay?” “When is he going to call me?” “Does he still love me?” Eventually my journaling transitioned into writing articles, which has helped me further process various aspects of my life.
Meanwhile, as sometimes happens in the wake of a relationship break, despite my best efforts, the relationship did not resume.
Finding God in the pause
When the breakup happened after almost two months of virtually no attempt at communication on his part, I remember feeling overwhelmed by feelings of frustration and hopelessness because all my efforts for a different outcome felt like they had been in vain.
Following the breakup, I quit seeking answers online and sought solace in the Lord. Though prior to meeting my ex, I had a close relationship with the Lord, it kind of took a backseat when I got caught up in the excitement of new love. During this difficult time, I came across a few verses that helped me navigate my pain and reconnect with Him again.
“Many are the plans of the human heart, but it is the decision of the Lord that endures” (Proverbs 19:21)
Funny how it took watching all my efforts to maintain a human relationship fail before I turned to the Lord for answers. I let it all out before Him: the hurt and rejection that I experienced. I lamented, I was mad at the unfairness of it all and stewed in self-pity. He let me vent till I was completely wrung out.
Initially, I felt like the relationship break signaled the end of everything good that I had wished for. I felt cheated and made to suffer for no fault of my own. Later, I realized that nothing could be further from the truth. The Lord used this pause to draw me closer to Him, to teach me to trust that He has my best interests at heart.
As the grief ebbed, I was able to shake myself out of the fog I was in and take a long, hard, objective look at the relationship with my ex and realized it was a dead end. I believe the Lord gave me the strength and wisdom to see that I deserved much more.
In light of this new perspective, I made a conscious decision to unfriend my ex on social media, remove him from my contacts, and delete all his messages and photographs. It felt right to me because I knew I was ready to begin my life afresh.
“Trust in the LORD with all your heart, on your own intelligence do not rely” (Proverbs 3:5)
Choosing to cleave to the Lord, surrendering my broken heart to Him, and trusting in Him was the best decision I made because had my efforts to bring my ex back proved successful, I see now that it would have led to even bigger heartache in the future.
In retrospect, even though my failed relationship represented a deep valley in my life, I believe that the Lord allowed me to go through this so that I could learn and grow from it. I’ve come to the realization that I don’t regret falling in love or giving that relationship my all. I don’t regret waiting and hoping despite advice to the contrary. I don’t regret reaching out to my ex more than once in the hopes of us getting back together during our break. I was loyal, sincere, and caring throughout this experience.
“[And] be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving one another as God has forgiven you in Christ.” (Ephesians 4:32)
Even though it took me a long time to get to the point of forgiving my ex for hurting me and forgiving myself for acting desperate in order to regain him, choosing to forgive was the most liberating feeling in the world. Taking Ephesians 4:32 to heart enabled me to let my ex go while wishing the best for him and at the same time choosing to remember the beautiful moments we shared.
There is no longer any anger, resentfulness, or bitterness for him in my heart. With forgiveness and letting go came profound peace.
Heartbreak is not pretty. And yet, I believe there was a purpose to it because I learned a lot about myself and what real love is during the pause in my relationship. It taught me a lot about who I am and what I want in a relationship, such as how I want to be treated (with respect and consideration for my feelings) and what my boundaries are to ensure future relationships are built on a solid foundation.
In other words, it was during those solitude-filled days that I went through a deeply personal spiritual experience that completely changed my mindset. I’m now perfectly content to wait on the Lord, who I believe will bring the right person into my life in His time.
