NFP Isn't Always Hard, Scary, Miserable, or Whatever Else People Say
By Angela Bell
As my husband and I prepared for marriage, it felt like every piece of advice out there, every article, emphasized how hard NFP (Natural Family Planning) is but how it’s worth it. Neither of us were virgins, but we both had converted before we met each other and abstained from sex throughout our relationship. That was hard, and that was what was worth it.
Why? Because sex is now where it was always meant to be: in our marriage. Of course hormones were surging as we dated, but we both knew something so sacred deserved the graces that only a sacrament could provide. We also both knew we did not want to be on birth control once we were married as well.
So, enter NFP! I read a lot about how to love your husband during those times of abstinence. How it was all about self-sacrifice and about expressing your love in different ways during those fertile times of the month. It was like people were preparing us for battle. “You will get frustrated.” “Abstinence can feel like you want to pull your hair out.” “Don’t give up on it! Even when it’s hard!” And so on…
Well here’s a refreshing take: it actually hasn’t been that hard for us…like, at all. In total, we have to abstain for only about 5 days out of the month. That’s doable, guys. (Edited note: for some if not most women, it might be a few more days!) And woman to woman, sometimes it’s even nice to go to bed early, not feel the need to pamper yourself beforehand, and wear your ratty old college t-shirt. Sometimes it’s nice for your body to be very temporarily yours again. (Of course, marriage is a giving of yourself to your spouse, but recognizing autonomy is still super healthy for your marriage. And you should never have sex if one partner isn’t willing; however, a priest once shared that sometimes sex can be a cross, too).
I think one of the reasons my husband and I haven’t found NFP to be so hard boils down to two things for us: 1) We love each other in a lot of ways. I love how diversifying love can be. Service, laughter, physical affection sans sex, and just plain old having fun together helps form a way more balanced marriage than putting so much stock in your sex life. And 2) We both know sex isn’t the be all, end all. Nothing else really compares to that kind of intimacy God has prepared for you and your spouse in sexual union, but we’ve learned how much sex can be idolized and how messed up Hollywood makes it.
My hope is that young women preparing for marriage read this and find peace. NFP doesn’t have to be hard. My second hope is that young women who recently got married read this and know they’re not alone either. It’s easy to think, “Why is sex not my favorite part of marriage? Is there something wrong with me?” NOPE! Not at all. Your husband and you can have an amazing sex life together (and it truly does get better in time), and still be okay with NFP.
It’s not always a battle…I promise.
