Dear womenfolk,

Since launching VIGIL during the height of COVID in the spring of 2020, our small team has produced ten issues in just two and a half years. We achieved something that was a crazy dream of mine, and issue after issue continued to totally amaze me. With just myself behind the design and direction, Print Content Managers Olivia Bardella (Issues 1-6) & Mercedes Shirts (Issues 7-10), and our incredible team of volunteer editors and writers, VIGIL became a quarterly publication that reverberated hope: hope for the future of our Church, hope for our generation, and hope for a renewal in the arts. Showcasing incredible initiatives, telling the stories of heroic ordinary Catholics, tackling topics we’ve always wanted to read or learn about but was never covered anywhere…it’s the most fulfilling work in my life, second to my vocation.

We accomplished what a lot of large scale operations have failed to do. I was at a retreat recently where the founder of an apostolate admitted that though they are now established in several countries, all of the work mostly falls on just three staff members, including herself. In the past, this would have been fuel for my fire: “See! It can be done! You don’t need board members and formalized corporations to do movements like this! If they can do it, I can do it all too!” But the truth is, on the retreat, I just thought, “Woah, that’s just too much.”

I felt so sustained by the Holy Spirit with each issue and each issue felt like a small miracle, and the entire process was so life giving; however, on this same retreat, the Lord spoke through these good desires and dreams and what He said surprised me:

It’s okay to have new desires and for dreams to change.

When I felt this in prayer, it was a breath of fresh air. My twenties (age 21-30) were so consumed by work for theYCW, and though I’m not going anywhere, as I entered my 30s with my newly wedded husband, I couldn’t help but wonder how I could keep going at this pace. I thought I could and I planned to, because like I said, somehow the Holy Spirit always sustained me in doing what felt like the impossible sometimes, and it was seriously so life-giving. But change is important, you know? Change is so important in relationships: to allow your spouse or friend to change their opinions, passions, whatever it is, over time. So we have to allow ourselves to change as well. It’s okay to have new desires and for dreams to change too.

So what am I saying? I’m saying that a few weeks ago, I had no intention of slowing down with VIGIL, but it’s become apparent that we can’t keep going at this pace. I found out a few months ago that through the beautiful grace of God, we are now expecting our first child, and I’m already learning a lot about what it means to truly sacrifice yourself for another. I can’t get orders sent out as quickly as I’d like because I’m worn out easily. I can’t reply to emails because a cloud of depression accompanied those first few weeks and all ambition disappeared. And looking ahead, I have no idea how I would be able to keep going with a newborn.

So, here it is: the tenth issue of VIGIL will be our last quarterly publication for the time being. I have high hopes of continuing a yearly publication of exclusive articles every November, but I’m in no place to make a promise just yet. Even though this hit me out of nowhere, this decision has been affirmed in prayer, wrapped in peace, and has been surprisingly easy to let go of. While praying about it, I was surprised how open I was to whatever God was asking. For ONCE in my life, I wasn’t clinging so tightly like my life depended on it! But that’s not to say it isn’t without some weepiness (pregnancy aside).*

I think a yearly publication is still doable (and heck, might even be better since it would likely be way bigger!), but also funding has been SO HARD for us. I looked at the numbers as part of my discernment process (how will this affect my family), and I’m hopeful that we can revisit VIGIL when the time is right. I have some deep and certain faith that God will make it happen if it’s supposed to. Maybe rebranded, maybe published by a company not under theYCW, but it’s still exciting to me.

So what’s this mean for you and theYCW? Well, your subscription will be canceled after your charge for the tenth issue comes through, but all previous issues will be available for sale at a discounted price until they are sold out. We will slowly be publishing all previous VIGIL articles on theYCW, because theYCW isn’t going anywhere! I’m excited that our focus is narrowing and becoming simplified for this new chapter.

I’m also a big believer in wanting others to look at our work at theYCW & VIGIL and to reverently share, “I think I can do better.” In other words, my prayer is that everything we do here inspires you to use your own gifts and talents and to share those in ways we cannot. I would LOVE for someone to pick up where we left off or where we fall short and to make it exponentially more impactful! I’d be your biggest cheerleader if an even better Catholic women’s magazine launches somewhere out there!

And personally? I’m excited to have more time to simply be. To create without deadlines, to pick up writing again—maybe I’ll finish my historical fiction novel! To prepare for our little one (Peter is already planning on painting our wardrobe for the nursery with a scene of Narnia inside!). This letter has gotten a little long, but I wanted to share all the details with you. I love you all and look forward to sharing more and more of our Holy with you!

Love,

Carolyn

*PS Between drafting this letter and publishing, our baby entered heaven. Please keep this little soul and our family in your prayers.